Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Leonard Part 6 (1987)

The CIA asks for ex-spy Leonard's help in stopping an evil force that is brainwashing small animals into killing people. Leonard, however, has his own problems to deal with: winning back his ex-wife. (Imdb rating 2.1)

Vehicle movies are always interesting. Basing your entire filmatic concept around one person is risky, but when they work, they are great (The Room anyone?), but most of the time they are completely, completely awful.

Leonard Part 6 is one such awful movie. By now, you must realise that when I say some movie is 'awful', it doesn't instantly mean throw it in a shredder and mail the ashes to the director. If I didn't find bad movies entertaining, I'd be a masochist. There are different levels of awful, is what I am trying to say in such a long-winded and verbose manner.

Leonard Part 6 is neither here, nor there. There are amusing moments, to be sure, but I expect more from a Cosby movie. Where are the ugly sweaters? What about the constant goofy facial expressions on Cosby's huge head? I need more from the world's most easily imitable man. Although seeing an obviously white man subbed in for Cosby riding an ostrich off a building is funny.

Can you see the hilarity?

This thing is supposed to be a comedy, I *think* for adults, judging by a few scenes, but it weirdly seems more for kids. There's lots of animals, a sure sign at Leonard being aimed at children. But then there is the sub plot of Cosby's daughter, firstly showing up at Cosby's house with a 66 year old Italio-Afro-American boyfriend, then appearing in a play that Cosby goes to see, unaware of his daughters numerous nude scenes. This generated genuine laughs from me.

And of course, there are the stupid scenes. Frogs assemble under a car, and jump under it in unison, moving it until it's sinking in a lake. Two midge Japanese men clothe Cosby for a date. Mutant lobsters attack him and his wife. A Gypsy he can't understand gives him extremely specific items (a Queen Bee in a box? Ballet shoes?). Even the bad guy henchmen aren't spared, given a literal burning allergy to meat.

To be fair, it does sparkle.

Leonard Part 6 can be described as one of those movies that you could easily watch if it was on television as a midday movie, but it leaks out of your brain the second you stop watching it. I just watched it and can barely remember what happened in it. The worst thing is that it is probably the best Cosby vehicle out there (keep Ghost Dad away from me, please).

Things I learnt:
  • Buddhism is a profession, next to actor and sculptor.
  • Sarah Palmer from Twin Peaks is in this movie!
  • Rich people shower in mineral water.
  • Drinking a whole bottle of bourbon in 15 seconds is an acceptable anesthesia before removing a bullet from yourself.
  • Ballet will come in handy for dance-defeating enemies.
  • One bad guy can tie up 10+ regular people in less then 30 seconds.
  • Mutant lobsters are scared of melted butter.
  • Angry rainbow trout like reading Playboy.

The Miracle Fighters (1982)

Former Royal Guardsman Kao was forced to be on the run when his superior couldn't tolerate him being a Manchu marrying a Han woman. A young prince was inadvertently killed when he kidnapped the boy to aid in his escape. 14 years later, Kao now a drunkard ridden with guilt, has been living with a young orphan by the name of Shu Geng. Before long, the old nemesis of Kao, the powerful Socerer Bat, found his whereabouts and killed him. Harboring evil ambitions, Sorcerer Bat forces Shu Geng to impersonate the belated prince, with the intention that one day he can ruled alongside the would-be king. (Imdb rating 7.2)

I'm as shocked as you are, an actual reasonable movie on this blog. But my thoughts on The Miracle Fighters are confused.

On one hand, it's a typical Yuen Clan martial arts movie. For those of you not in the know, Yuen Clan films are completely ridiculous. People flying around, fighting in what almost seems to be perpetual fast motion. There's also a lot of completely random insanity, music controlled frogs, rat-faced drunkards, men driving around little shoes, that type of thing. They also include a lot of toilet humour and slapstick. Anything that can happen usually will. In essence, their movies are extremely entertaining, and several are in my favourite martial arts movies.

And this certainly continues in The Miracle Fighters. There's a weird character that lives in a huge vase, his/her arms, legs and head popping out at certain times to fight other characters by rolling or other innovative maneuvers. There are pictures that drink wine and shoot out a torrent of water. Flying cooked chickens attack people. People pump themselves up (literally). People use a huge novelty sized axe to chop off their legs to fight better. And I have to mention, the fight scenes can't be described as anything other then crazy, in the best way possible.

Vase-Man will cut you with his paper sword

Unfortunately, this is part of the biggest flaw of The Miracle Fighters; there just isn't enough fighting spread throughout the entire movie. Before the end fight, there is maybe at most five minutes of actual fighting. The comedic hi-jinks stuff is funny, but after a while, you just want to see the awesome fights, not see two old people argue over whether the other person stepped on their side. The other Yuen Clan movies are more well paced then this, and it's a mark against it.

I'd almost throw it off as an average martial arts movie, if it weren't for the last 20 minutes. They almost saved the movie, in a way. Starting with the new challenge of reaching the end of the trials, versing many others, the main character has to get a key out of boiled oil, walk on a paper bridge over thousands of venomous snakes and fight a ten foot tall stickman made from pieces of wood, all whilst battling his main nemesis. Incredible is the only word for these scenes.

But really, in the end, while The Miracle Fighters is definitely worth a view, it pales in comparison to Shaolin Drunkard and other Yuen Clan movies. It's a bit too slow, and while it's epic last few minutes redeem it somewhat, there's wire fighters better out there.

Things I learnt:
  • Everything that comes out of your body will be subtitled as 'shit'.
  • You can massage the boobs on the head of a man to get sparks shot out of his mouth.
  • Using a talking fish is a terrible way to retrieve a key from hot oil.

Bimbos B.C. (1990)

In a dystopian world, zombie mutants developed under the earth kill people, and a group of 'bimbos' need to find a cure for zombie bites for their attacked leader. (Imdb rating 1.2)

If you read the synopsis closely, you can almost hear the sound of me not caring, and if you read even closer, a small voice emanates from my inner being, wailing at the idea, the very thought of this movie existing in our universe.

I got this movie in a boxset I foolishly purchased, called Mortuary Madness. 50 movies, on like 10 discs. This is my second attempt at watching a movie in this boxset, the first being the humourously named Vampire Whores from Outer Space, which I couldn't get through 20 minutes of when drunk. So firstly, avoid this boxset at all costs.

Onto Bimbos BC, I don't know where to start. Do I talk about the prominent VHS tape lines that run through half of the movie? The fact that the 'guts' look like discarded red balloons? That the sound randomly fades in and out. That it was edited by some called "The Chopper"?!?

I understand low budget, but both you and I could have made this, and at least we'd have some kind of mastery over the apparently foreign concepts of 'cinematography', 'acting' and 'plot'. You work the story *around* the budget, not the other way around. I truly think this movie cost $17, and most of that went to the villain's copious eye shadow. There are sets made of mattresses, sheets and couches, helmets made of bowls, chase scenes that look like they were set in Jupiter's gravity. Christ, most of the indoor scenes were clearly filmed in a school!

Yes, my lair is a library, what of it?

Look at that guy, he is supposed to be the villain! He looks like he should be in charge of making sure that the Battlestar Galactica website is up to date, rather than the evil commander of a city. If he isn't forgetting his lines several times per sentence, he's screeching at mustached soldiers in jeans to yell at General Morgus. And the good guys are three Amazonian chicks, dressed in rags, ready to fight and... a guy in a shirt.

I could scream profanities at this movie for days, but I'll stop now, and give some encouraging feedback. The music was *average* for a low budget movie, with a song at the start that reminded me of the terrible song at the start of Orgazmo, so I guess that is a plus. The camera person did use a few inventive shots as well, but when you fuck up the camera basics as badly as Bimbo B.C. does, who cares? As even the so called 'positives' I've generously picked out are what myself and everyone else would expect from even the most atrocious movie, I won't hesitate to call this one of the worst movies I've seen. Only a relatively brisk pace (and running time) stops this lowering further into the 'worst movie ever' cesspool.

Things I learnt:
  • It takes three people to untie one person's hands.
  • Hitting long sticks equals swordplay practice.
  • You can tell whether someone is trustworthy by inspecting their sperm samples.
  • If the actors ever decide to actually go through with their 'sequel' talk from the end of the movie, I will throw each one of them individually into the sun.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Gordon, 28, an aspiring animator, leaves his home in Oregon to sell his ideas to Hollywood. After being told, correctly, that they are quite possibly the most stupid ideas ever and that he needs to spend time rethinking them, he moves back home. But his father, never a kind man, escalates his mean treatment of his rather unconventional son. (Imdb rating 4.0)

I don't know of any movie from a major Hollywood studio that got panned more when it came out then Freddy Got Fingered. And I can see why. It literally makes zero sense. Sure, it has a plot, but it is so fucking dumb, much like everything else about this movie.

And you know what? I actually liked it. It goes straight for shock-laughs in such a way that even the American Pie series would call it a day. There is no subtlety here. Tom Green jumps on a conveyor belt and slaps old ladies in the face with pepporoni yelling "Ding dong! I'm a sexy boy!" He jacks off an elephant, covering his dad in semen. He puts a suit on backwards, shouting "I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, I can run back as fast as you can." He sticks his arms into a pregnant women, delivers the baby, then bites off the umbilical cord. And of course there is a scene of how he gets creative...

Daddy, would like some sausage???

It's actually kind of post-modern as well, when a cartoon production house bigwigs says his drawings aren't bad...but they just don't make sense, they're not funny, and they're stupid, just like this movie. Main character Gordy, while being a piece of shit in every other way, is a romantic, pleading with the girl he is dating not to give him a blowjob until after they go on a romantic date. Oh, and the music is great, anyone who puts the New York Dolls in their soundtrack is alright.

What I've said won't stop 99% of people declaring this movie the worst they have ever seen, and they'd be right. For a mainstream movie, it is truly excruciating. But really, there are a lot worse movies with no redeeming features whatsoever. And I'm still waiting for a real cartoon of...


Things I learnt:
  • Spinning a newborn not breathing baby like a lasso will revive it.
  • People in wheelchairs get off on being kendo sticked in their legs.
  • Wind from a helicopter pushes wheelchairs backwards.
  • Shaq will appear in anything for money.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Savage Planet (2006)

A team of scientists visit an unknown planet in hopes of finding a new, safe, world. Instead they find a mutated species that turns the expedition deadly. (Imdb rating 2.8)

I don't want to ruin it for you, but... the mutated species are bears. Stock footage of bears, mixed with closeups of fur, paws and the like. 'Giant' bears, capable of clawing someone's head clean off. And also, the main guy has to be the lead singer of Sugar Ray.

I guess it is vaguely science fiction, warranting it being a 'Sci-Fi original movie'. Other then weird teleporters, and someone waking up in a bed with sheets of foil, there's barely anything even remotely futuristic about this movie set 50 years in the future. I guess when they were talking about sci-fi, they were talking about the special effects.

I can say, in my knowledge of terrible movies, I have never, ever, seen effects as bad as this. It's like they did their computer effects in Flash, their blood squirting is a pixelated gif downloaded from the Internet in the mid 90s. Instead of developing a way of using cinema technique to hide any potentially bad effects, we get a "Fix it in Post (Production)" array of awfulness, including a horrendous use of the magic tool to literally delete part of a guy's stomach and side. I haven't seen Photoshop abuse this ham-fisted since it made chubby goth girls everywhere try to look like Queens of Darkness.

The rest of this movie is complete garbage, a union of poor acting, wooden dialogue and ridiculous sound effects. Swinging a machete doesn't make a whipping noise, for fuck's sake! To further emphasis the truly bad nature of Savage Planet, the credits at the start whip by so fast that I think it was on purpose. Who would want their name on this mess? Not even worth watching for the few bad scenes.

Have I explained that the aliens are BEARS?!?

Things I learnt:
  • Going through a teleporter is like going through a tumble dryer, and makes you cough.
  • Mutant bears see in motion delay with weird lighting, just like Predator.
  • When we get back to Earth, we'll go out for dinner, and have steak... AND ribs!
  • Bears and rocks are very hard to tell apart.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Ninja Terminator (1985)

Three martial-arts students search for the Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue reputed to have magic powers. (Imdb rating 4.1)

I don't know who wrote that synopsis, it's completely wrong, but it doesn't matter, because this is a ninja movie. YES, another one, that's three in a row (Power Rangers *are* ninjas, damnit), and I am now ready to don the garb and stealthy kill someone with a sword, or smoke grenade, or something.

If that is one thing you must take from this movie, it is that Jaguar Wong can and will destroy you with his right foot, whilst sporting a cocky smirk. I mean come on, during one fight scene he has so much confidence that he fights with his hands in his pockets. If that isn't pure badassery™, I fail to see what else could be. His shirt also black with red flowers on it. He'll decide to stop fighting, and start headbutting your knees. He is so accomplished at lovemaking, he can can easily remove a female's panties with his foot. I feel angry that he isn't my uncle.

His opposite number and supposed superior Harry (ha, right!) is a mustache in himself. A thick, illustrious mustache of eye shadow, smoke bombs and teleporting at will. He's being pursued by his former master for his piece of some magical statue, and will stop at nothing to beat anything that shows him malice, whether it be a horde of ninjas, an accomplish in the statue stealing, or an emptied pot full of 'steamed crabs' scuttling towards his real life wife, the world's worst actor. And he has a Garfield phone. A GARFIELD PHONE!

I am the Alpha Male!

I can't really say too much more about Ninja Terminator, the fight scenes are really smooth and long, there are lots of weasely Asians getting beaten up, and.... is that Jaguar Wong kick-ricocheting a baseball off one guy's face into another guy's head? I'm leaving.

Click on it, please!

Things I learnt:
  • Important Asian henchmen wear gold blond Ramones-style wigs
  • Jaguar Wong is afraid of nothing!
  • Ripping someone's coat is worth taking one of your rings (which turns out to be worthless, from a CrackerJack box)
  • When sunglasses are taken off, a fight will break out shortly.
  • Closeups are the standard fare for showing emotion, and should be used as much as possible.
  • Ninjas deliver messages by tiny walking toy robots who can blow smoke.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Mighty Morphing Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

After the Power Rangers have lost their supernatural power when trying to save their leader, they need help and receive it from a beautiful female fighter getting taught the art of Ninjetti. Thus they are able to fulfill their mission. (Imdb rating 4.0)

Childhood nostalgia is a powerful thing. I mean, why else would people constantly rave about cartoons they liked as a kid, no matter how completely crap they were at the time?

Not that I'm really say this about MMPR:tM (great acronym!). However, I think this movie is purely in the nostalgia category; if you can remember the original Power Rangers and all of the side characters, I'm sure this movie would be awesome. Unfortunately for me, although I did go "Ha! That guy!" a few times, MMPR:tM did nothing much for me.

Of course, this movie is just as useless as everything else I review. The Ranger's human forms are X-treme, what, with their X-treme syncronised skydiving opening followed by an X-treme rolling skating session. They also go by the motto 'Why walk when you can flip?', which leaves me surprised that their Power Helmets aren't filled with vomit after a fight scene. I've seen less wasted moment at a convulsion festival.

There are also 'Sacred Animals' (to which the Black Ranger exclaims when asked what is wrong, 'I am a frog'), a random killer pipe the villain wields that we only see used once for the purpose of a worthless pun, and a pig that wears a monocle and sounds *exactly* like Curley from the Three Stooges. Plus, we have the world's worst battle music, "ACTION BOY NOW! ACTION GIRL NOW! BE PREPARED, TO SURF ACROSS THE OCEAN NOW!" They were in the middle of a city.

Really, if you remembered and liked the original Power Rangers, you'll like this movie. If you don't, there are plenty of more entertaining things to watch. And if you dislike purple slimey monstrous beings, make sure you avoid Ivan Ooze, because his statutory rapist nose will tell him...

It smells like teenagers!

Things I learnt:
  • 'Dingledorks' is an effective insult.
  • Dressing in a weird costume at a carnival giving away ooze is the best way of taking over the world.
  • You guys aren't Syndal Warriors, you are Syndal Turkeys!
  • Clenching your fist often equals acting.
  • Most intergalactic assembled mechbots have an emergency button which can be used to deliver a nutshot to a giant purple cyborg.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

American Ninja II: The Confrontation (1987)

On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong saves an old friend from the clutches of "The Lion", an evil super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors. (Imdb rating 3.9)

Ninja movies are usually the lowest of the low. I think there are more low budget ninja movies then there are movies from other genres combined. And they all pretty much blend into each other.

I mean, I can't even remember most of American Ninja I, except there was an intense guy that kicked ninja ass, and a black guy that looked like a hybrid of Carl Weathers and Lionel Richie, and they started as enemies, but became friends. That's it.

Well, they are both the main guys in American Ninja II, and are still BFFs. That's all you need to know, maybe adding the large amount of ninjas, and the fact that it's on an island filled with useless Marines. And there is lots of stupid quotes, just really dumb ones.

"What is this, some kind of shakedown?"
"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" (referring to perving, even worse when you find out later his wife's been kidnapped for blackmail)
"When the girls hit the beach, everything comes off, topless, bottomless, everything!"
"This is really starting to get on my tits!"
"Don't get drunk and puke all over the pavement!"

This films also holds the current SSA record for the most number of different handheld ninja weapons shown in on film. There is about ten different length swords, brass knuckles, brass knuckles *with* spikes, wooden nightsticks, wooden poles, wooden spears, wooden bats, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden...

Steven James will snap your arm regardless

I'm getting kind of sick of saying this, but it was entertainingly terrible. Dudikoff and James have good onscreen chemistry, the fight scenes are reasonable, the comedy was amusing, so I have no problem with this movie.

Things I learnt:
  • Black ninjas are completely useless on a beach of white sand and rocks.
  • Mick Hucknell and Robert Plane had a lovechild, who became a henchling.
  • When you send a ninja flying into a group of ninjas, a bowling strike noise will ensue.
  • Steve James can't do a fight scene without either being shirtless or practically shirtless.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

No Holds Barred (1989)

Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip. (Imdb rating 3.6)

If you are a wrestling fan, you will understand that nothing, and I mean nothing, is funnier then when wrestling goes bad, whether it be in the story lines, promos or the wrestling itself.

No Holds Barred is less of a wrestling movie, and more of a Rocky rip-off. But it still is twice as funny to wrestling fans. Watching Hulk Hogan destroy the inside of limo is one of life's little pleasures. Jesse Ventura and Gene Okerlund are the first two voices you hear, which made me squeal, and I correctly picked Hulk.. I mean Rip's first opponent to be Bill Eadie aka Ax from Demolition, revealing myself to be a sad, sad late 80's wrestling nerd.

But like I said, this movie is not about wrestling most of the time. More about punching. Big guys punching each other. And there are so many laughable things that happen in this movie, I'll have to forgo my usual review, and just list them:

  • Brell insists on constantly calling Rip a 'jockass', and he usually gets crushed after doing so.
  • When Hulk and his love interest have to share a hotel room, she dresses in what could possibly be the most frilly lingerie ever.
  • Zeus was said to have 'killed some kid in the brain' (possibly in Riki-Oh style).
  • Rip's brother Randy spends the entire movie looking like he is in a coma. I swear his heart rate never goes above 60.
  • Rip's preparation for his big fight is... giving his brother a bath?
  • Rip scares some guy so shitless that he craps himself, and when asked by Rip what the smell is, he replies "Dookie!"
  • Zeus' shoulder pads when he walks out to fight Rip are ridiculous.
Zeus crushes the weak!

The only thing lacking in No Holds Barred is the fact that Rip never says the word 'brother', and if you know anything about Hulk Hogan, you know he can't go to the grocery store, talk about the Ultimate Warrior, or walk five feet without throwing in a 'brother' or two. But if you can't enjoy chain-mailed black men beating down on toothless rednecks while mini-blackboard-wielding midgets are suspended in cages above the ring, I can't help you.

It's the Harley, ME, and YOU in the tree, brother!

Things I learnt:
  • Having a small penis means you aren't worth beating up.
  • Speaking two words of garbled French is all you need to impress a lady.
  • Zeus has a 'Z' belt and a 'Z' on the side of his head to stop him getting lost, and for identification (Ha! Thanks Jesse Ventura!)
  • UFC stole their eight sided ring from this movie.
  • When a diner you are in is being robbed, throw plates and pies at them to a country song to stop them.
  • If you're guys in suits and not cops, people will think you're gay.
  • Don't ask Zeus to guess something, because... ZEUS DOESN'T GUESS!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Deadly Prey (1987)

A group of sadistic mercenaries kidnap people off the streets and set them loose on the grounds of their secret camp, so the "students" at the camp can learn how to track down and kill their prey. (Imdb rating 5.5)

It's about time I got around to an 80's action movie. I don't think any genre sums up both 'awesome' and 'terrible' as much as an 80's action movie can. You know there will be lots of killing, guns, rapes, explosions, hair, one liners and cocky villains. And of course, this is the case with Deadly Prey.

Basically, Mike Danton is the king of everything. King of being insanely chiseled, king of tiny denim shorts, king of creating tripwire C4 traps, king of taking multiple close-range grenade blasts, king of hiding under leaves, before popping out out and...

Someone is gunna get stabbed!

Although he is also the king of spear throwing and knifing as well, he, along with everyone else in this movie, completely fails at using guns. Considering the intro credit montage was guns reloading, this was disappointing, being able to hit someone is apparently far too great a task for anyone until near the end. Hell, the main henchman even holds his rifle like he is trying to masturbate a giant cock.

But still, Danton compensates by using whatever he can to kill people, whether he javelins someone from 100 feet, throwing two knifes with one flick to kill two men, or ramming them against a tree to break their back. Or maybe he might put a live grenade down some guy's pants.

The plot is simple, acting bad, blah blah blah, it's a crappy action movie. Not the most hilariously bad movie I have seen, but still entertaining.

And never kidnap a beefy guy to use as target practice, because this will happen...

Danton *will* scalp you.

Things I learnt:

  • A few hours is all you will last in a forest before you starting cooking and eating rats and worms.
  • You will *not* be seen up in a leafless tree by ten army guys walking past you.
  • A grenade down the pants will leave only one unharmed smoking boot.
  • Hiding bright blue explosive consists mainly of brushing a few leaves and clumps of dirt in front of it, before it all slides back to it's original position.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Troll 2 (1990)

A young child is terrified to discover that a planned family trip is to be haunted by vile plant-eating monsters out of his worst nightmare. His attempt to save his beloved family is assisted by the spectre of his deceased grandfather (Imdb rating 2.1).

This film is legendary in the area of awful movies. And there is a multitude of reasons for this.

Firstly, there is no trolls, only goblins. Secondly, Troll 2 has nothing to do with the first Troll. There are many, many more things atrociously wrong with this film, a novel could be written about it. One of those 100 page novels with big font, and pretty pictures, but still.

The sheer amount of stupidity, the bad acting, the strange special effects (especially the 'trolls'), it all beggars belief. Due to the entire production crew speaking Italian, there were a lot of lines that don't make sense. I mean, does having friends really mean that you will be a virgin forever? And Granddad Seth, although a 'hero', is one seedy looking fucker.

Make sure you piss all over the food, Joshua!

Once again, I'm making this movie sound dull. It is not, by any standards. How can I dislike a movie that involves hilarious looking goblins, spoilt milk that turns people into human/plant hybrids, and corn porn?

This is right at the top of entertaining bad movies, if you go into it ready to laugh. If you are looking for a good movie, don't watch this, but surely you must realise what this blog is about by now. Go watch 2001 or something.

Things I learnt:

  • Grandfathers like to speak about themselves in third person.
  • If you are kicked in the nuts too much, you turn into a homo.
  • Ghosts sometimes have trouble with the layouts of houses.
  • Other times they have Molotov cocktails.
  • Chainsaws tickle man-plants.
  • Finally, you can't piss on hospitality, I won't allow it!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Kazaam (1996)

Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. (Imdb rating 2.5).

My god, that was a long winded synopsis.

The exclamation "Fun!" on the cover is a worrying start. But, alas, the idea of Shaq as a genie was too tempting an offer to pass up.

And I'm glad I didn't. While it was very obvious that this is a children's movie, I was amused and entertained by Kazaam, and it wasn't just the booze. Shaq's goofy grin and other cliched-but-still-passable characters and situations were good enough, until the horror arrived.

Shaq rapping.

Anyone who told him he was good at rapping, or encouraged him in any way should throw themselves into the sun. As a fan of real rap, Shaq was terrible. I find most of his songs in real life crap but hilarious, but this was just bad.

Disregarding that, I'll give the usual spiel of it not being that terrible, but rated harshly because it's bad for a mainstream movie, ala "Stop of My Mum Will Shoot" syndrome. It's a goofy kids movie, nothing more or less.

Just remember when he asks you how his shirt looks...

Tell him it looks fucking ridiculous!

Things I learnt:

  • Bullying means hold someone down and spray-painting around their body
  • Men are like buses - there is always another one.
  • Wait... is that... Babu from Seinfeld?! As the main bad guy?!
  • If, as a child, I ever woke up with Shaq spooning me in his PJs before showering in front of me, I'd be scarred for life.
  • Not eating makes you shorter.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Impulse (1974)

A paranoid, leisure-suit-wearing conman/gigolo named Matt Stone seduces lonely women, bilks them of their savings via an investment scam, then kills them. When he begins seeing an attractive widow, her daughter Tina becomes suspicious of his motives. (Imdb rating 4.2)

This. movie. has. William. Shatner's. finest. acing. ever.


Seriously, this is the only reason to watch this otherwise terribly boring movies. Maybe you can add the terrible 70's clothing, decor and vernacular ("He's bananas!"). And William Shatner killing people as well. Oddjob from the Bond movie Goldfinger is one such victim.

But I'm making Impulse sound good. It is average. Average in a bad way. Average in a boring way. Shatner is too good at being sleazy to even let his atrocious acting come out often enough. Watch it if you want to laugh at a bad 70's movie.

Things I learnt:
  • Marines have horse tattoos
  • Clarence is a clown's name
  • Everyone in the 70's had an oversized bowtie fetish
  • Never rub balloons in William Shatner's face.
  • Moy is apparently a real name

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Fake War (Book Review)

I thought I'd branch out into a non-movie related area, and talk about books and such. Any book I read that is either strange or sick (not planning on wasting a lot of hours on the awful ones) will hopefully get put here.

Bizarro novels are new, both to me and in general. They only go back as an official genre about ten years, and has been described as "literature's equivalent to the cult section at the video store" and a genre that "strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read."

Andersen Prunty's My Fake War is my first 'full length' bizarro work. I use quotation marks because the whole thing is fucking 100 pages of huge writing! It took me 45 minutes to read the entire thing. I am a fast reader, but this is ridiculous.

But this length is appropriate; it tells the story in all of it's ample weirdness, bows it's head, then leaves. I warmed to it really quickly. The story, in a non-revealing way, goes along the lines of a middle aged citizen of the United States of Everything, a future state that controls almost every part of Earth, gets drafted into the military, dumped in the middle of a desert with a magical gun that can provide necessities, and has no clue as to what he is meant to do. Strange lizard men, invisible houses/everything and 'thinking traveling robots' show up as well.

As far as I know, bizarro novels are just suppose to mainly be fucking stupid and crazily out there, but this one had a really obvious undertone of American imperialism that was so heavy-handed and blindingly noticable that it came across as funny. As was the rest of the book.

I immediately bought two more bizarro books online, and eagerly await their arrival in two weeks! Hopefully they will be as amusing as My Fake War.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Pumping Iron (1977)

Five-time champion Arnold Schwarzenegger defends his Mr. Olympia title against Serge Nubret and the shy young deaf Lou Ferrigno, whose father is his coach; the ruthless champ psyches out the young lion, along with other bodybuilder's stories. (Imdb rating 7.1)

I felt gay watching this movie. Really gay. Oiled down topless men? Yes. A complete lack of women? Yes. Naked man showering? Yes. Mustaches that John Oates and Tom Selleck would be proud of? Yes.

And then there is Arnold and his weightlifting/ejaculating.

The pump I get from weights is like cumming!

But seriously, this was a very interesting 'documentary'. I only add the quotation marks because apparently Arnold purposely played up his negative aspects to create a villain. It barely fits in this blog, in only because weightlifting is weird in itself, even without the constant pectoral attacks.

But I'm one step closer to watching every Arnie movie in order, which is the main thing. Regardless, it intrigued me slightly into a fringe sport such as body building, which is a win for it.

Things I learnt:
  • Arnold is orgasming day and night
  • Arnold's haircut is possibly the most stereotypical German/Austrian haircut ever. It's like someone wanted to give him a bowl cut, but his hair was too wavy and the bowl was too small.
  • Milk is for babies!
  • In Italy, telling someone to go to hell is the same as telling someone to go to California.

Suburban Commando (1991)

Shep Ramsey is an interstellar hero. His ship is damaged after a fight with an interstellar nasty and he must hide out on Earth until it can recharge. (Imdb rating 3.8)

Sounds pretty simple, right? It is. It's a Hulk Hogan vehicle, and from what I understand, one of the better ones. It's like saying you were the one killed last by Arnie (or in other words, David Patrick Kelly), but it is still something. It wasn't particularly good, but it wasn't shit either. Middle of the road, by any nature.

I did genuinely laugh out loud a few times, like when Hogan heard the mailman sliding letters through the door and he instantly pulls out a knife and goes into attack mode, or when he punches a mime in the face to break him out of the 'K7 force-field' that had him ensnared. So it had me entertained, which is all I can ask of a terrible movie.

I'm here to rent your apartment brother!

Things I learnt (this movie was a learned experience):
  • Shelley Duvall's career went right downhill after the Shining.
  • Veterans hang on their lawn in broken jeeps and drink their urine from a cup all day.
  • It takes one day to convert a tool shed into a bedroom
  • The Undertaker is a bad guy... in a movie! He can also spit nails like bullets and has the voice of a 5 year old girl.
  • Alien ship technology looks like two guys playing top down Frogger.
  • Old people like to drag race from red traffic lights, at the same time, every day.
  • Bikers won't beat you up if you scratch their cars; they'll SUE.
  • You can get Hulk Hogan to stay still for a group picture by making him eat an entire cake.

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange and the Awful!

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange & The Awful, the blog that astonishingly enough reviews films that are either sick, strange, or awful.

Yes, this is Attempt #2 at this blog, but I have something different this time; a lack of a need to regularly post things. It works well enough on my other blog, Magnus Sonitus, so yeah...

As for what this blog will cover,
I prefer different kinds of films, usually staying away from the ultra-filth, and delving more into strange and bizarre, and sometimes downright terrible films. There will be quite a lot of crazy martial art flicks, hilariously bad films, and other weird oddities. Who knows, I might even through in some crap albums or random TV shows at some point.

Well that's about it, except that comments are most welcome and appreciated, and I hope you enjoy the blog!