Monday, December 13, 2010

Savage Planet (2006)

A team of scientists visit an unknown planet in hopes of finding a new, safe, world. Instead they find a mutated species that turns the expedition deadly. (Imdb rating 2.8)

I don't want to ruin it for you, but... the mutated species are bears. Stock footage of bears, mixed with closeups of fur, paws and the like. 'Giant' bears, capable of clawing someone's head clean off. And also, the main guy has to be the lead singer of Sugar Ray.

I guess it is vaguely science fiction, warranting it being a 'Sci-Fi original movie'. Other then weird teleporters, and someone waking up in a bed with sheets of foil, there's barely anything even remotely futuristic about this movie set 50 years in the future. I guess when they were talking about sci-fi, they were talking about the special effects.

I can say, in my knowledge of terrible movies, I have never, ever, seen effects as bad as this. It's like they did their computer effects in Flash, their blood squirting is a pixelated gif downloaded from the Internet in the mid 90s. Instead of developing a way of using cinema technique to hide any potentially bad effects, we get a "Fix it in Post (Production)" array of awfulness, including a horrendous use of the magic tool to literally delete part of a guy's stomach and side. I haven't seen Photoshop abuse this ham-fisted since it made chubby goth girls everywhere try to look like Queens of Darkness.

The rest of this movie is complete garbage, a union of poor acting, wooden dialogue and ridiculous sound effects. Swinging a machete doesn't make a whipping noise, for fuck's sake! To further emphasis the truly bad nature of Savage Planet, the credits at the start whip by so fast that I think it was on purpose. Who would want their name on this mess? Not even worth watching for the few bad scenes.

Have I explained that the aliens are BEARS?!?

Things I learnt:
  • Going through a teleporter is like going through a tumble dryer, and makes you cough.
  • Mutant bears see in motion delay with weird lighting, just like Predator.
  • When we get back to Earth, we'll go out for dinner, and have steak... AND ribs!
  • Bears and rocks are very hard to tell apart.

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