Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Leonard Part 6 (1987)

The CIA asks for ex-spy Leonard's help in stopping an evil force that is brainwashing small animals into killing people. Leonard, however, has his own problems to deal with: winning back his ex-wife. (Imdb rating 2.1)

Vehicle movies are always interesting. Basing your entire filmatic concept around one person is risky, but when they work, they are great (The Room anyone?), but most of the time they are completely, completely awful.

Leonard Part 6 is one such awful movie. By now, you must realise that when I say some movie is 'awful', it doesn't instantly mean throw it in a shredder and mail the ashes to the director. If I didn't find bad movies entertaining, I'd be a masochist. There are different levels of awful, is what I am trying to say in such a long-winded and verbose manner.

Leonard Part 6 is neither here, nor there. There are amusing moments, to be sure, but I expect more from a Cosby movie. Where are the ugly sweaters? What about the constant goofy facial expressions on Cosby's huge head? I need more from the world's most easily imitable man. Although seeing an obviously white man subbed in for Cosby riding an ostrich off a building is funny.

Can you see the hilarity?

This thing is supposed to be a comedy, I *think* for adults, judging by a few scenes, but it weirdly seems more for kids. There's lots of animals, a sure sign at Leonard being aimed at children. But then there is the sub plot of Cosby's daughter, firstly showing up at Cosby's house with a 66 year old Italio-Afro-American boyfriend, then appearing in a play that Cosby goes to see, unaware of his daughters numerous nude scenes. This generated genuine laughs from me.

And of course, there are the stupid scenes. Frogs assemble under a car, and jump under it in unison, moving it until it's sinking in a lake. Two midge Japanese men clothe Cosby for a date. Mutant lobsters attack him and his wife. A Gypsy he can't understand gives him extremely specific items (a Queen Bee in a box? Ballet shoes?). Even the bad guy henchmen aren't spared, given a literal burning allergy to meat.

To be fair, it does sparkle.

Leonard Part 6 can be described as one of those movies that you could easily watch if it was on television as a midday movie, but it leaks out of your brain the second you stop watching it. I just watched it and can barely remember what happened in it. The worst thing is that it is probably the best Cosby vehicle out there (keep Ghost Dad away from me, please).

Things I learnt:
  • Buddhism is a profession, next to actor and sculptor.
  • Sarah Palmer from Twin Peaks is in this movie!
  • Rich people shower in mineral water.
  • Drinking a whole bottle of bourbon in 15 seconds is an acceptable anesthesia before removing a bullet from yourself.
  • Ballet will come in handy for dance-defeating enemies.
  • One bad guy can tie up 10+ regular people in less then 30 seconds.
  • Mutant lobsters are scared of melted butter.
  • Angry rainbow trout like reading Playboy.

The Miracle Fighters (1982)

Former Royal Guardsman Kao was forced to be on the run when his superior couldn't tolerate him being a Manchu marrying a Han woman. A young prince was inadvertently killed when he kidnapped the boy to aid in his escape. 14 years later, Kao now a drunkard ridden with guilt, has been living with a young orphan by the name of Shu Geng. Before long, the old nemesis of Kao, the powerful Socerer Bat, found his whereabouts and killed him. Harboring evil ambitions, Sorcerer Bat forces Shu Geng to impersonate the belated prince, with the intention that one day he can ruled alongside the would-be king. (Imdb rating 7.2)

I'm as shocked as you are, an actual reasonable movie on this blog. But my thoughts on The Miracle Fighters are confused.

On one hand, it's a typical Yuen Clan martial arts movie. For those of you not in the know, Yuen Clan films are completely ridiculous. People flying around, fighting in what almost seems to be perpetual fast motion. There's also a lot of completely random insanity, music controlled frogs, rat-faced drunkards, men driving around little shoes, that type of thing. They also include a lot of toilet humour and slapstick. Anything that can happen usually will. In essence, their movies are extremely entertaining, and several are in my favourite martial arts movies.

And this certainly continues in The Miracle Fighters. There's a weird character that lives in a huge vase, his/her arms, legs and head popping out at certain times to fight other characters by rolling or other innovative maneuvers. There are pictures that drink wine and shoot out a torrent of water. Flying cooked chickens attack people. People pump themselves up (literally). People use a huge novelty sized axe to chop off their legs to fight better. And I have to mention, the fight scenes can't be described as anything other then crazy, in the best way possible.

Vase-Man will cut you with his paper sword

Unfortunately, this is part of the biggest flaw of The Miracle Fighters; there just isn't enough fighting spread throughout the entire movie. Before the end fight, there is maybe at most five minutes of actual fighting. The comedic hi-jinks stuff is funny, but after a while, you just want to see the awesome fights, not see two old people argue over whether the other person stepped on their side. The other Yuen Clan movies are more well paced then this, and it's a mark against it.

I'd almost throw it off as an average martial arts movie, if it weren't for the last 20 minutes. They almost saved the movie, in a way. Starting with the new challenge of reaching the end of the trials, versing many others, the main character has to get a key out of boiled oil, walk on a paper bridge over thousands of venomous snakes and fight a ten foot tall stickman made from pieces of wood, all whilst battling his main nemesis. Incredible is the only word for these scenes.

But really, in the end, while The Miracle Fighters is definitely worth a view, it pales in comparison to Shaolin Drunkard and other Yuen Clan movies. It's a bit too slow, and while it's epic last few minutes redeem it somewhat, there's wire fighters better out there.

Things I learnt:
  • Everything that comes out of your body will be subtitled as 'shit'.
  • You can massage the boobs on the head of a man to get sparks shot out of his mouth.
  • Using a talking fish is a terrible way to retrieve a key from hot oil.

Bimbos B.C. (1990)

In a dystopian world, zombie mutants developed under the earth kill people, and a group of 'bimbos' need to find a cure for zombie bites for their attacked leader. (Imdb rating 1.2)

If you read the synopsis closely, you can almost hear the sound of me not caring, and if you read even closer, a small voice emanates from my inner being, wailing at the idea, the very thought of this movie existing in our universe.

I got this movie in a boxset I foolishly purchased, called Mortuary Madness. 50 movies, on like 10 discs. This is my second attempt at watching a movie in this boxset, the first being the humourously named Vampire Whores from Outer Space, which I couldn't get through 20 minutes of when drunk. So firstly, avoid this boxset at all costs.

Onto Bimbos BC, I don't know where to start. Do I talk about the prominent VHS tape lines that run through half of the movie? The fact that the 'guts' look like discarded red balloons? That the sound randomly fades in and out. That it was edited by some called "The Chopper"?!?

I understand low budget, but both you and I could have made this, and at least we'd have some kind of mastery over the apparently foreign concepts of 'cinematography', 'acting' and 'plot'. You work the story *around* the budget, not the other way around. I truly think this movie cost $17, and most of that went to the villain's copious eye shadow. There are sets made of mattresses, sheets and couches, helmets made of bowls, chase scenes that look like they were set in Jupiter's gravity. Christ, most of the indoor scenes were clearly filmed in a school!

Yes, my lair is a library, what of it?

Look at that guy, he is supposed to be the villain! He looks like he should be in charge of making sure that the Battlestar Galactica website is up to date, rather than the evil commander of a city. If he isn't forgetting his lines several times per sentence, he's screeching at mustached soldiers in jeans to yell at General Morgus. And the good guys are three Amazonian chicks, dressed in rags, ready to fight and... a guy in a shirt.

I could scream profanities at this movie for days, but I'll stop now, and give some encouraging feedback. The music was *average* for a low budget movie, with a song at the start that reminded me of the terrible song at the start of Orgazmo, so I guess that is a plus. The camera person did use a few inventive shots as well, but when you fuck up the camera basics as badly as Bimbo B.C. does, who cares? As even the so called 'positives' I've generously picked out are what myself and everyone else would expect from even the most atrocious movie, I won't hesitate to call this one of the worst movies I've seen. Only a relatively brisk pace (and running time) stops this lowering further into the 'worst movie ever' cesspool.

Things I learnt:
  • It takes three people to untie one person's hands.
  • Hitting long sticks equals swordplay practice.
  • You can tell whether someone is trustworthy by inspecting their sperm samples.
  • If the actors ever decide to actually go through with their 'sequel' talk from the end of the movie, I will throw each one of them individually into the sun.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Gordon, 28, an aspiring animator, leaves his home in Oregon to sell his ideas to Hollywood. After being told, correctly, that they are quite possibly the most stupid ideas ever and that he needs to spend time rethinking them, he moves back home. But his father, never a kind man, escalates his mean treatment of his rather unconventional son. (Imdb rating 4.0)

I don't know of any movie from a major Hollywood studio that got panned more when it came out then Freddy Got Fingered. And I can see why. It literally makes zero sense. Sure, it has a plot, but it is so fucking dumb, much like everything else about this movie.

And you know what? I actually liked it. It goes straight for shock-laughs in such a way that even the American Pie series would call it a day. There is no subtlety here. Tom Green jumps on a conveyor belt and slaps old ladies in the face with pepporoni yelling "Ding dong! I'm a sexy boy!" He jacks off an elephant, covering his dad in semen. He puts a suit on backwards, shouting "I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, I can run back as fast as you can." He sticks his arms into a pregnant women, delivers the baby, then bites off the umbilical cord. And of course there is a scene of how he gets creative...

Daddy, would like some sausage???

It's actually kind of post-modern as well, when a cartoon production house bigwigs says his drawings aren't bad...but they just don't make sense, they're not funny, and they're stupid, just like this movie. Main character Gordy, while being a piece of shit in every other way, is a romantic, pleading with the girl he is dating not to give him a blowjob until after they go on a romantic date. Oh, and the music is great, anyone who puts the New York Dolls in their soundtrack is alright.

What I've said won't stop 99% of people declaring this movie the worst they have ever seen, and they'd be right. For a mainstream movie, it is truly excruciating. But really, there are a lot worse movies with no redeeming features whatsoever. And I'm still waiting for a real cartoon of...


Things I learnt:
  • Spinning a newborn not breathing baby like a lasso will revive it.
  • People in wheelchairs get off on being kendo sticked in their legs.
  • Wind from a helicopter pushes wheelchairs backwards.
  • Shaq will appear in anything for money.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Savage Planet (2006)

A team of scientists visit an unknown planet in hopes of finding a new, safe, world. Instead they find a mutated species that turns the expedition deadly. (Imdb rating 2.8)

I don't want to ruin it for you, but... the mutated species are bears. Stock footage of bears, mixed with closeups of fur, paws and the like. 'Giant' bears, capable of clawing someone's head clean off. And also, the main guy has to be the lead singer of Sugar Ray.

I guess it is vaguely science fiction, warranting it being a 'Sci-Fi original movie'. Other then weird teleporters, and someone waking up in a bed with sheets of foil, there's barely anything even remotely futuristic about this movie set 50 years in the future. I guess when they were talking about sci-fi, they were talking about the special effects.

I can say, in my knowledge of terrible movies, I have never, ever, seen effects as bad as this. It's like they did their computer effects in Flash, their blood squirting is a pixelated gif downloaded from the Internet in the mid 90s. Instead of developing a way of using cinema technique to hide any potentially bad effects, we get a "Fix it in Post (Production)" array of awfulness, including a horrendous use of the magic tool to literally delete part of a guy's stomach and side. I haven't seen Photoshop abuse this ham-fisted since it made chubby goth girls everywhere try to look like Queens of Darkness.

The rest of this movie is complete garbage, a union of poor acting, wooden dialogue and ridiculous sound effects. Swinging a machete doesn't make a whipping noise, for fuck's sake! To further emphasis the truly bad nature of Savage Planet, the credits at the start whip by so fast that I think it was on purpose. Who would want their name on this mess? Not even worth watching for the few bad scenes.

Have I explained that the aliens are BEARS?!?

Things I learnt:
  • Going through a teleporter is like going through a tumble dryer, and makes you cough.
  • Mutant bears see in motion delay with weird lighting, just like Predator.
  • When we get back to Earth, we'll go out for dinner, and have steak... AND ribs!
  • Bears and rocks are very hard to tell apart.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Ninja Terminator (1985)

Three martial-arts students search for the Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue reputed to have magic powers. (Imdb rating 4.1)

I don't know who wrote that synopsis, it's completely wrong, but it doesn't matter, because this is a ninja movie. YES, another one, that's three in a row (Power Rangers *are* ninjas, damnit), and I am now ready to don the garb and stealthy kill someone with a sword, or smoke grenade, or something.

If that is one thing you must take from this movie, it is that Jaguar Wong can and will destroy you with his right foot, whilst sporting a cocky smirk. I mean come on, during one fight scene he has so much confidence that he fights with his hands in his pockets. If that isn't pure badassery™, I fail to see what else could be. His shirt also black with red flowers on it. He'll decide to stop fighting, and start headbutting your knees. He is so accomplished at lovemaking, he can can easily remove a female's panties with his foot. I feel angry that he isn't my uncle.

His opposite number and supposed superior Harry (ha, right!) is a mustache in himself. A thick, illustrious mustache of eye shadow, smoke bombs and teleporting at will. He's being pursued by his former master for his piece of some magical statue, and will stop at nothing to beat anything that shows him malice, whether it be a horde of ninjas, an accomplish in the statue stealing, or an emptied pot full of 'steamed crabs' scuttling towards his real life wife, the world's worst actor. And he has a Garfield phone. A GARFIELD PHONE!

I am the Alpha Male!

I can't really say too much more about Ninja Terminator, the fight scenes are really smooth and long, there are lots of weasely Asians getting beaten up, and.... is that Jaguar Wong kick-ricocheting a baseball off one guy's face into another guy's head? I'm leaving.

Click on it, please!

Things I learnt:
  • Important Asian henchmen wear gold blond Ramones-style wigs
  • Jaguar Wong is afraid of nothing!
  • Ripping someone's coat is worth taking one of your rings (which turns out to be worthless, from a CrackerJack box)
  • When sunglasses are taken off, a fight will break out shortly.
  • Closeups are the standard fare for showing emotion, and should be used as much as possible.
  • Ninjas deliver messages by tiny walking toy robots who can blow smoke.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Mighty Morphing Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

After the Power Rangers have lost their supernatural power when trying to save their leader, they need help and receive it from a beautiful female fighter getting taught the art of Ninjetti. Thus they are able to fulfill their mission. (Imdb rating 4.0)

Childhood nostalgia is a powerful thing. I mean, why else would people constantly rave about cartoons they liked as a kid, no matter how completely crap they were at the time?

Not that I'm really say this about MMPR:tM (great acronym!). However, I think this movie is purely in the nostalgia category; if you can remember the original Power Rangers and all of the side characters, I'm sure this movie would be awesome. Unfortunately for me, although I did go "Ha! That guy!" a few times, MMPR:tM did nothing much for me.

Of course, this movie is just as useless as everything else I review. The Ranger's human forms are X-treme, what, with their X-treme syncronised skydiving opening followed by an X-treme rolling skating session. They also go by the motto 'Why walk when you can flip?', which leaves me surprised that their Power Helmets aren't filled with vomit after a fight scene. I've seen less wasted moment at a convulsion festival.

There are also 'Sacred Animals' (to which the Black Ranger exclaims when asked what is wrong, 'I am a frog'), a random killer pipe the villain wields that we only see used once for the purpose of a worthless pun, and a pig that wears a monocle and sounds *exactly* like Curley from the Three Stooges. Plus, we have the world's worst battle music, "ACTION BOY NOW! ACTION GIRL NOW! BE PREPARED, TO SURF ACROSS THE OCEAN NOW!" They were in the middle of a city.

Really, if you remembered and liked the original Power Rangers, you'll like this movie. If you don't, there are plenty of more entertaining things to watch. And if you dislike purple slimey monstrous beings, make sure you avoid Ivan Ooze, because his statutory rapist nose will tell him...

It smells like teenagers!

Things I learnt:
  • 'Dingledorks' is an effective insult.
  • Dressing in a weird costume at a carnival giving away ooze is the best way of taking over the world.
  • You guys aren't Syndal Warriors, you are Syndal Turkeys!
  • Clenching your fist often equals acting.
  • Most intergalactic assembled mechbots have an emergency button which can be used to deliver a nutshot to a giant purple cyborg.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

American Ninja II: The Confrontation (1987)

On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong saves an old friend from the clutches of "The Lion", an evil super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors. (Imdb rating 3.9)

Ninja movies are usually the lowest of the low. I think there are more low budget ninja movies then there are movies from other genres combined. And they all pretty much blend into each other.

I mean, I can't even remember most of American Ninja I, except there was an intense guy that kicked ninja ass, and a black guy that looked like a hybrid of Carl Weathers and Lionel Richie, and they started as enemies, but became friends. That's it.

Well, they are both the main guys in American Ninja II, and are still BFFs. That's all you need to know, maybe adding the large amount of ninjas, and the fact that it's on an island filled with useless Marines. And there is lots of stupid quotes, just really dumb ones.

"What is this, some kind of shakedown?"
"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" (referring to perving, even worse when you find out later his wife's been kidnapped for blackmail)
"When the girls hit the beach, everything comes off, topless, bottomless, everything!"
"This is really starting to get on my tits!"
"Don't get drunk and puke all over the pavement!"

This films also holds the current SSA record for the most number of different handheld ninja weapons shown in on film. There is about ten different length swords, brass knuckles, brass knuckles *with* spikes, wooden nightsticks, wooden poles, wooden spears, wooden bats, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden...

Steven James will snap your arm regardless

I'm getting kind of sick of saying this, but it was entertainingly terrible. Dudikoff and James have good onscreen chemistry, the fight scenes are reasonable, the comedy was amusing, so I have no problem with this movie.

Things I learnt:
  • Black ninjas are completely useless on a beach of white sand and rocks.
  • Mick Hucknell and Robert Plane had a lovechild, who became a henchling.
  • When you send a ninja flying into a group of ninjas, a bowling strike noise will ensue.
  • Steve James can't do a fight scene without either being shirtless or practically shirtless.