Bimbos B.C. (1990)

In a dystopian world, zombie mutants developed under the earth kill people, and a group of 'bimbos' need to find a cure for zombie bites for their attacked leader. (Imdb rating 1.2)

If you read the synopsis closely, you can almost hear the sound of me not caring, and if you read even closer, a small voice emanates from my inner being, wailing at the idea, the very thought of this movie existing in our universe.

I got this movie in a boxset I foolishly purchased, called Mortuary Madness. 50 movies, on like 10 discs. This is my second attempt at watching a movie in this boxset, the first being the humourously named Vampire Whores from Outer Space, which I couldn't get through 20 minutes of when drunk. So firstly, avoid this boxset at all costs.

Onto Bimbos BC, I don't know where to start. Do I talk about the prominent VHS tape lines that run through half of the movie? The fact that the 'guts' look like discarded red balloons? That the sound randomly fades in and out. That it was edited by some called "The Chopper"?!?

I understand low budget, but both you and I could have made this, and at least we'd have some kind of mastery over the apparently foreign concepts of 'cinematography', 'acting' and 'plot'. You work the story *around* the budget, not the other way around. I truly think this movie cost $17, and most of that went to the villain's copious eye shadow. There are sets made of mattresses, sheets and couches, helmets made of bowls, chase scenes that look like they were set in Jupiter's gravity. Christ, most of the indoor scenes were clearly filmed in a school!

Yes, my lair is a library, what of it?

Look at that guy, he is supposed to be the villain! He looks like he should be in charge of making sure that the Battlestar Galactica website is up to date, rather than the evil commander of a city. If he isn't forgetting his lines several times per sentence, he's screeching at mustached soldiers in jeans to yell at General Morgus. And the good guys are three Amazonian chicks, dressed in rags, ready to fight and... a guy in a shirt.

I could scream profanities at this movie for days, but I'll stop now, and give some encouraging feedback. The music was *average* for a low budget movie, with a song at the start that reminded me of the terrible song at the start of Orgazmo, so I guess that is a plus. The camera person did use a few inventive shots as well, but when you fuck up the camera basics as badly as Bimbo B.C. does, who cares? As even the so called 'positives' I've generously picked out are what myself and everyone else would expect from even the most atrocious movie, I won't hesitate to call this one of the worst movies I've seen. Only a relatively brisk pace (and running time) stops this lowering further into the 'worst movie ever' cesspool.

Things I learnt:

• It takes three people to untie one person's hands.
• Hitting long sticks equals swordplay practice.
• You can tell whether someone is trustworthy by inspecting their sperm samples.
• If the actors ever decide to actually go through with their 'sequel' talk from the end of the movie, I will throw each one of them individually into the sun.