Kazaam (1996)

Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. (Imdb rating 2.5).

My god, that was a long winded synopsis.

The exclamation "Fun!" on the cover is a worrying start. But, alas, the idea of Shaq as a genie was too tempting an offer to pass up.

And I'm glad I didn't. While it was very obvious that this is a children's movie, I was amused and entertained by Kazaam, and it wasn't just the booze. Shaq's goofy grin and other cliched-but-still-passable characters and situations were good enough, until the horror arrived.

Shaq rapping.

Anyone who told him he was good at rapping, or encouraged him in any way should throw themselves into the sun. As a fan of real rap, Shaq was terrible. I find most of his songs in real life crap but hilarious, but this was just bad.

Disregarding that, I'll give the usual spiel of it not being that terrible, but rated harshly because it's bad for a mainstream movie, ala "Stop of My Mum Will Shoot" syndrome. It's a goofy kids movie, nothing more or less.

Just remember when he asks you how his shirt looks...

Tell him it looks fucking ridiculous!

Things I learnt:

• Bullying means hold someone down and spray-painting around their body
• Men are like buses - there is always another one.
• Wait... is that... Babu from Seinfeld?! As the main bad guy?!
• If, as a child, I ever woke up with Shaq spooning me in his PJs before showering in front of me, I'd be scarred for life.
• Not eating makes you shorter.