Tuesday, November 30, 2010

No Holds Barred (1989)

Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip. (Imdb rating 3.6)

If you are a wrestling fan, you will understand that nothing, and I mean nothing, is funnier then when wrestling goes bad, whether it be in the story lines, promos or the wrestling itself.

No Holds Barred is less of a wrestling movie, and more of a Rocky rip-off. But it still is twice as funny to wrestling fans. Watching Hulk Hogan destroy the inside of limo is one of life's little pleasures. Jesse Ventura and Gene Okerlund are the first two voices you hear, which made me squeal, and I correctly picked Hulk.. I mean Rip's first opponent to be Bill Eadie aka Ax from Demolition, revealing myself to be a sad, sad late 80's wrestling nerd.

But like I said, this movie is not about wrestling most of the time. More about punching. Big guys punching each other. And there are so many laughable things that happen in this movie, I'll have to forgo my usual review, and just list them:

  • Brell insists on constantly calling Rip a 'jockass', and he usually gets crushed after doing so.
  • When Hulk and his love interest have to share a hotel room, she dresses in what could possibly be the most frilly lingerie ever.
  • Zeus was said to have 'killed some kid in the brain' (possibly in Riki-Oh style).
  • Rip's brother Randy spends the entire movie looking like he is in a coma. I swear his heart rate never goes above 60.
  • Rip's preparation for his big fight is... giving his brother a bath?
  • Rip scares some guy so shitless that he craps himself, and when asked by Rip what the smell is, he replies "Dookie!"
  • Zeus' shoulder pads when he walks out to fight Rip are ridiculous.
Zeus crushes the weak!

The only thing lacking in No Holds Barred is the fact that Rip never says the word 'brother', and if you know anything about Hulk Hogan, you know he can't go to the grocery store, talk about the Ultimate Warrior, or walk five feet without throwing in a 'brother' or two. But if you can't enjoy chain-mailed black men beating down on toothless rednecks while mini-blackboard-wielding midgets are suspended in cages above the ring, I can't help you.

It's the Harley, ME, and YOU in the tree, brother!

Things I learnt:
  • Having a small penis means you aren't worth beating up.
  • Speaking two words of garbled French is all you need to impress a lady.
  • Zeus has a 'Z' belt and a 'Z' on the side of his head to stop him getting lost, and for identification (Ha! Thanks Jesse Ventura!)
  • UFC stole their eight sided ring from this movie.
  • When a diner you are in is being robbed, throw plates and pies at them to a country song to stop them.
  • If you're guys in suits and not cops, people will think you're gay.
  • Don't ask Zeus to guess something, because... ZEUS DOESN'T GUESS!

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