Monday, December 6, 2010

Ninja Terminator (1985)

Three martial-arts students search for the Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue reputed to have magic powers. (Imdb rating 4.1)

I don't know who wrote that synopsis, it's completely wrong, but it doesn't matter, because this is a ninja movie. YES, another one, that's three in a row (Power Rangers *are* ninjas, damnit), and I am now ready to don the garb and stealthy kill someone with a sword, or smoke grenade, or something.

If that is one thing you must take from this movie, it is that Jaguar Wong can and will destroy you with his right foot, whilst sporting a cocky smirk. I mean come on, during one fight scene he has so much confidence that he fights with his hands in his pockets. If that isn't pure badassery™, I fail to see what else could be. His shirt also black with red flowers on it. He'll decide to stop fighting, and start headbutting your knees. He is so accomplished at lovemaking, he can can easily remove a female's panties with his foot. I feel angry that he isn't my uncle.

His opposite number and supposed superior Harry (ha, right!) is a mustache in himself. A thick, illustrious mustache of eye shadow, smoke bombs and teleporting at will. He's being pursued by his former master for his piece of some magical statue, and will stop at nothing to beat anything that shows him malice, whether it be a horde of ninjas, an accomplish in the statue stealing, or an emptied pot full of 'steamed crabs' scuttling towards his real life wife, the world's worst actor. And he has a Garfield phone. A GARFIELD PHONE!

I am the Alpha Male!

I can't really say too much more about Ninja Terminator, the fight scenes are really smooth and long, there are lots of weasely Asians getting beaten up, and.... is that Jaguar Wong kick-ricocheting a baseball off one guy's face into another guy's head? I'm leaving.

Click on it, please!

Things I learnt:
  • Important Asian henchmen wear gold blond Ramones-style wigs
  • Jaguar Wong is afraid of nothing!
  • Ripping someone's coat is worth taking one of your rings (which turns out to be worthless, from a CrackerJack box)
  • When sunglasses are taken off, a fight will break out shortly.
  • Closeups are the standard fare for showing emotion, and should be used as much as possible.
  • Ninjas deliver messages by tiny walking toy robots who can blow smoke.

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