American Ninja II: The Confrontation (1987)

On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong saves an old friend from the clutches of "The Lion", an evil super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors. (Imdb rating 3.9)

Ninja movies are usually the lowest of the low. I think there are more low budget ninja movies then there are movies from other genres combined. And they all pretty much blend into each other.

I mean, I can't even remember most of American Ninja I, except there was an intense guy that kicked ninja ass, and a black guy that looked like a hybrid of Carl Weathers and Lionel Richie, and they started as enemies, but became friends. That's it.

Well, they are both the main guys in American Ninja II, and are still BFFs. That's all you need to know, maybe adding the large amount of ninjas, and the fact that it's on an island filled with useless Marines. And there is lots of stupid quotes, just really dumb ones.

"What is this, some kind of shakedown?"
"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" (referring to perving, even worse when you find out later his wife's been kidnapped for blackmail)
"When the girls hit the beach, everything comes off, topless, bottomless, everything!"
"This is really starting to get on my tits!"
"Don't get drunk and puke all over the pavement!"

This films also holds the current SSA record for the most number of different handheld ninja weapons shown in on film. There is about ten different length swords, brass knuckles, brass knuckles *with* spikes, wooden nightsticks, wooden poles, wooden spears, wooden bats, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden...

Steven James will snap your arm regardless

I'm getting kind of sick of saying this, but it was entertainingly terrible. Dudikoff and James have good onscreen chemistry, the fight scenes are reasonable, the comedy was amusing, so I have no problem with this movie.

Things I learnt:

• Black ninjas are completely useless on a beach of white sand and rocks.
• Mick Hucknell and Robert Plane had a lovechild, who became a henchling.
• When you send a ninja flying into a group of ninjas, a bowling strike noise will ensue.
• Steve James can't do a fight scene without either being shirtless or practically shirtless.