No Holds Barred (1989)

Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip. (Imdb rating 3.6)

If you are a wrestling fan, you will understand that nothing, and I mean nothing, is funnier then when wrestling goes bad, whether it be in the story lines, promos or the wrestling itself.

No Holds Barred is less of a wrestling movie, and more of a Rocky rip-off. But it still is twice as funny to wrestling fans. Watching Hulk Hogan destroy the inside of limo is one of life's little pleasures. Jesse Ventura and Gene Okerlund are the first two voices you hear, which made me squeal, and I correctly picked Hulk.. I mean Rip's first opponent to be Bill Eadie aka Ax from Demolition, revealing myself to be a sad, sad late 80's wrestling nerd.

But like I said, this movie is not about wrestling most of the time. More about punching. Big guys punching each other. And there are so many laughable things that happen in this movie, I'll have to forgo my usual review, and just list them:

• Brell insists on constantly calling Rip a 'jockass', and he usually gets crushed after doing so.
• When Hulk and his love interest have to share a hotel room, she dresses in what could possibly be the most frilly lingerie ever.
• Zeus was said to have 'killed some kid in the brain' (possibly in Riki-Oh style).
• Rip's brother Randy spends the entire movie looking like he is in a coma. I swear his heart rate never goes above 60.
  
• Rip's preparation for his big fight is... giving his brother a bath?
• Rip scares some guy so shitless that he craps himself, and when asked by Rip what the smell is, he replies "Dookie!"
• Zeus' shoulder pads when he walks out to fight Rip are ridiculous.

Zeus crushes the weak!

The only thing lacking in No Holds Barred is the fact that Rip never says the word 'brother', and if you know anything about Hulk Hogan, you know he can't go to the grocery store, talk about the Ultimate Warrior, or walk five feet without throwing in a 'brother' or two. But if you can't enjoy chain-mailed black men beating down on toothless rednecks while mini-blackboard-wielding midgets are suspended in cages above the ring, I can't help you.

It's the Harley, ME, and YOU in the tree, brother!

Things I learnt:

• Having a small penis means you aren't worth beating up.
• Speaking two words of garbled French is all you need to impress a lady.
• Zeus has a 'Z' belt and a 'Z' on the side of his head to stop him getting lost, and for identification (Ha! Thanks Jesse Ventura!)
• UFC stole their eight sided ring from this movie.
• When a diner you are in is being robbed, throw plates and pies at them to a country song to stop them.
• If you're guys in suits and not cops, people will think you're gay.
• Don't ask Zeus to guess something, because... ZEUS DOESN'T GUESS!
  

Deadly Prey (1987)

A group of sadistic mercenaries kidnap people off the streets and set them loose on the grounds of their secret camp, so the "students" at the camp can learn how to track down and kill their prey. (Imdb rating 5.5)

It's about time I got around to an 80's action movie. I don't think any genre sums up both 'awesome' and 'terrible' as much as an 80's action movie can. You know there will be lots of killing, guns, rapes, explosions, hair, one liners and cocky villains. And of course, this is the case with Deadly Prey.

Basically, Mike Danton is the king of everything. King of being insanely chiseled, king of tiny denim shorts, king of creating tripwire C4 traps, king of taking multiple close-range grenade blasts, king of hiding under leaves, before popping out out and...

Someone is gunna get stabbed!

Although he is also the king of spear throwing and knifing as well, he, along with everyone else in this movie, completely fails at using guns. Considering the intro credit montage was guns reloading, this was disappointing, being able to hit someone is apparently far too great a task for anyone until near the end. Hell, the main henchman even holds his rifle like he is trying to masturbate a giant cock.

But still, Danton compensates by using whatever he can to kill people, whether he javelins someone from 100 feet, throwing two knifes with one flick to kill two men, or ramming them against a tree to break their back. Or maybe he might put a live grenade down some guy's pants.

The plot is simple, acting bad, blah blah blah, it's a crappy action movie. Not the most hilariously bad movie I have seen, but still entertaining.

And never kidnap a beefy guy to use as target practice, because this will happen...

Danton *will* scalp you.

Things I learnt:

• A few hours is all you will last in a forest before you starting cooking and eating rats and worms.
• You will *not* be seen up in a leafless tree by ten army guys walking past you.
• A grenade down the pants will leave only one unharmed smoking boot.
• Hiding bright blue explosive consists mainly of brushing a few leaves and clumps of dirt in front of it, before it all slides back to it's original position.
  

Troll 2 (1990)

A young child is terrified to discover that a planned family trip is to be haunted by vile plant-eating monsters out of his worst nightmare. His attempt to save his beloved family is assisted by the spectre of his deceased grandfather (Imdb rating 2.1).

This film is legendary in the area of awful movies. And there is a multitude of reasons for this.

Firstly, there is no trolls, only goblins. Secondly, Troll 2 has nothing to do with the first Troll. There are many, many more things atrociously wrong with this film, a novel could be written about it. One of those 100 page novels with big font, and pretty pictures, but still.

The sheer amount of stupidity, the bad acting, the strange special effects (especially the 'trolls'), it all beggars belief. Due to the entire production crew speaking Italian, there were a lot of lines that don't make sense. I mean, does having friends really mean that you will be a virgin forever? And Granddad Seth, although a 'hero', is one seedy looking fucker.

Make sure you piss all over the food, Joshua!

Once again, I'm making this movie sound dull. It is not, by any standards. How can I dislike a movie that involves hilarious looking goblins, spoilt milk that turns people into human/plant hybrids, and corn porn?

This is right at the top of entertaining bad movies, if you go into it ready to laugh. If you are looking for a good movie, don't watch this, but surely you must realise what this blog is about by now. Go watch 2001 or something.

Things I learnt:

• Grandfathers like to speak about themselves in third person.
• If you are kicked in the nuts too much, you turn into a homo.
• Ghosts sometimes have trouble with the layouts of houses.
• Other times they have Molotov cocktails.
  
• Chainsaws tickle man-plants.
• Finally, you can't piss on hospitality, I won't allow it!
  

Kazaam (1996)

Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. (Imdb rating 2.5).

My god, that was a long winded synopsis.

The exclamation "Fun!" on the cover is a worrying start. But, alas, the idea of Shaq as a genie was too tempting an offer to pass up.

And I'm glad I didn't. While it was very obvious that this is a children's movie, I was amused and entertained by Kazaam, and it wasn't just the booze. Shaq's goofy grin and other cliched-but-still-passable characters and situations were good enough, until the horror arrived.

Shaq rapping.

Anyone who told him he was good at rapping, or encouraged him in any way should throw themselves into the sun. As a fan of real rap, Shaq was terrible. I find most of his songs in real life crap but hilarious, but this was just bad.

Disregarding that, I'll give the usual spiel of it not being that terrible, but rated harshly because it's bad for a mainstream movie, ala "Stop of My Mum Will Shoot" syndrome. It's a goofy kids movie, nothing more or less.

Just remember when he asks you how his shirt looks...

Tell him it looks fucking ridiculous!

Things I learnt:

• Bullying means hold someone down and spray-painting around their body
• Men are like buses - there is always another one.
• Wait... is that... Babu from Seinfeld?! As the main bad guy?!
• If, as a child, I ever woke up with Shaq spooning me in his PJs before showering in front of me, I'd be scarred for life.
• Not eating makes you shorter.
  

Impulse (1974)

A paranoid, leisure-suit-wearing conman/gigolo named Matt Stone seduces lonely women, bilks them of their savings via an investment scam, then kills them. When he begins seeing an attractive widow, her daughter Tina becomes suspicious of his motives. (Imdb rating 4.2)

This. movie. has. William. Shatner's. finest. acing. ever.

KHAAAAAAAAAN!

Seriously, this is the only reason to watch this otherwise terribly boring movies. Maybe you can add the terrible 70's clothing, decor and vernacular ("He's bananas!"). And William Shatner killing people as well. Oddjob from the Bond movie Goldfinger is one such victim.

But I'm making Impulse sound good. It is average. Average in a bad way. Average in a boring way. Shatner is too good at being sleazy to even let his atrocious acting come out often enough. Watch it if you want to laugh at a bad 70's movie.

Things I learnt:

• Marines have horse tattoos
• Clarence is a clown's name
• Everyone in the 70's had an oversized bowtie fetish
• Never rub balloons in William Shatner's face.
• Moy is apparently a real name
  

My Fake War (Book Review)

I thought I'd branch out into a non-movie related area, and talk about books and such. Any book I read that is either strange or sick (not planning on wasting a lot of hours on the awful ones) will hopefully get put here.

Bizarro novels are new, both to me and in general. They only go back as an official genre about ten years, and has been described as "literature's equivalent to the cult section at the video store" and a genre that "strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read."

Andersen Prunty's My Fake War is my first 'full length' bizarro work. I use quotation marks because the whole thing is fucking 100 pages of huge writing! It took me 45 minutes to read the entire thing. I am a fast reader, but this is ridiculous.

But this length is appropriate; it tells the story in all of it's ample weirdness, bows it's head, then leaves. I warmed to it really quickly. The story, in a non-revealing way, goes along the lines of a middle aged citizen of the United States of Everything, a future state that controls almost every part of Earth, gets drafted into the military, dumped in the middle of a desert with a magical gun that can provide necessities, and has no clue as to what he is meant to do. Strange lizard men, invisible houses/everything and 'thinking traveling robots' show up as well.

As far as I know, bizarro novels are just suppose to mainly be fucking stupid and crazily out there, but this one had a really obvious undertone of American imperialism that was so heavy-handed and blindingly noticable that it came across as funny. As was the rest of the book.

I immediately bought two more bizarro books online, and eagerly await their arrival in two weeks! Hopefully they will be as amusing as My Fake War.

Pumping Iron (1977)

Five-time champion Arnold Schwarzenegger defends his Mr. Olympia title against Serge Nubret and the shy young deaf Lou Ferrigno, whose father is his coach; the ruthless champ psyches out the young lion, along with other bodybuilder's stories. (Imdb rating 7.1)

I felt gay watching this movie. Really gay. Oiled down topless men? Yes. A complete lack of women? Yes. Naked man showering? Yes. Mustaches that John Oates and Tom Selleck would be proud of? Yes.

And then there is Arnold and his weightlifting/ejaculating.

The pump I get from weights is like cumming!

But seriously, this was a very interesting 'documentary'. I only add the quotation marks because apparently Arnold purposely played up his negative aspects to create a villain. It barely fits in this blog, in only because weightlifting is weird in itself, even without the constant pectoral attacks.

But I'm one step closer to watching every Arnie movie in order, which is the main thing. Regardless, it intrigued me slightly into a fringe sport such as body building, which is a win for it.

Things I learnt:

• Arnold is orgasming day and night
• Arnold's haircut is possibly the most stereotypical German/Austrian haircut ever. It's like someone wanted to give him a bowl cut, but his hair was too wavy and the bowl was too small.
• Milk is for babies!
• In Italy, telling someone to go to hell is the same as telling someone to go to California.
  

Suburban Commando (1991)

Shep Ramsey is an interstellar hero. His ship is damaged after a fight with an interstellar nasty and he must hide out on Earth until it can recharge. (Imdb rating 3.8)

Sounds pretty simple, right? It is. It's a Hulk Hogan vehicle, and from what I understand, one of the better ones. It's like saying you were the one killed last by Arnie (or in other words, David Patrick Kelly), but it is still something. It wasn't particularly good, but it wasn't shit either. Middle of the road, by any nature.

I did genuinely laugh out loud a few times, like when Hogan heard the mailman sliding letters through the door and he instantly pulls out a knife and goes into attack mode, or when he punches a mime in the face to break him out of the 'K7 force-field' that had him ensnared. So it had me entertained, which is all I can ask of a terrible movie.

I'm here to rent your apartment brother!

Things I learnt (this movie was a learned experience):

• Shelley Duvall's career went right downhill after the Shining.
• Veterans hang on their lawn in broken jeeps and drink their urine from a cup all day.
• It takes one day to convert a tool shed into a bedroom
• The Undertaker is a bad guy... in a movie! He can also spit nails like bullets and has the voice of a 5 year old girl.
• Alien ship technology looks like two guys playing top down Frogger.
• Old people like to drag race from red traffic lights, at the same time, every day.
• Bikers won't beat you up if you scratch their cars; they'll SUE.
• You can get Hulk Hogan to stay still for a group picture by making him eat an entire cake.

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange and the Awful!

Welcome to the Sick, the Strange & The Awful, the blog that astonishingly enough reviews films that are either sick, strange, or awful.

Yes, this is Attempt #2 at this blog, but I have something different this time; a lack of a need to regularly post things. It works well enough on my other blog, Magnus Sonitus, so yeah...

As for what this blog will cover, I prefer different kinds of films, usually staying away from the ultra-filth, and delving more into strange and bizarre, and sometimes downright terrible films. There will be quite a lot of crazy martial art flicks, hilariously bad films, and other weird oddities. Who knows, I might even through in some crap albums or random TV shows at some point.

Well that's about it, except that comments are most welcome and appreciated, and I hope you enjoy the blog!