Fat Pizza (2003)

Fat Pizza the Film is yet another slice of life at a dodgy suburban Sydney take away. Bobo Gigliotti the psychotic pizzeria owner/pizza chef is awaiting the arrival of his mail-order refugee bride Lin Chow Bang, and a new pizza deliverer is on the block. (Imdb rating 5.5)

Maybe it's me, but extremely lowbrow movies and television shows are always funny. I don't mean unwatchable shows like Two and a Half Men or The Big Bang Theory which pretend to be 'clever'. I'm more talking about Married with Children. You know exactly what will happen, Al will finally get something going his way and it will evaporate due to sheer bad luck, Peg will beg Al for sex and not cook anything, Kelly will say something dumb, and Bud will sleaze onto girls and fail miserably, running back to his blowup doll. It's so completely cliched and lowest common denominator, it's hilarious.

Married with Children is a good American comparison to Fat Pizza, which could be the most Australian movie ever. Fat Pizza is the continuation of a low budget TV show that *everyone* in Australia watched for a few years of the early 00's, it follows Paulie, a delivery boy for a crappy pizza shop, and a man of so called "Choco" power, the power of street smarts and Mediterranean-ness. We follow him, as he beats up disabled people that locked him in a disabled toilet, accidentally siphons sewage, and kills the last of some kind of ferret because he was trying to look up a woman's skirt.

His co-workers are just as bad. Davo Dinkum, played by Channel V presenter Jabba, is the new guy, and a huge drug head. Sleek is quite possibly the world's worst rap (yes, worse then Shaq), but somehow scores a tonne of women. Rocky is the "Lebanese Rambo", and while he has sex with women in his car, his constantly horny cousin Habib tapes it and puts it on the Internet.

But I must mention their boss Bobo, the most frightening boss ever conceived. He rings up and yells at people when they are one minute late, tells employees to shut up and slaps their head when they ask almost any question, kills cockroaches and kneads the remains into the pizza dough, chops up mice with his knife, charges one dollar per square of toilet paper in his shop, and kills a guy for spending more then two minutes in the toilet. Oh, and he fights off complaints about his food or anything else with his chainsaw.

I'm sure we've all had a boss like this.

The amount of random cameos from Australian personalities in Fat Pizza is mind boggling. Eliot Gould, Kamahl, Jeff & Mario Fenech, Jabba, Angry Anderson, Tim Ferguson, Vulcan, Red Symonds, and best of all, Merv Hughes (as Ivan Milat!) all stroll in and out.

Of course, we have the usual amount of dumb shit, like Paulie fighting off 50 Greek Ronald McDonalds, and a gay guy, an old man, and two guys in a koala and sperm suit respectively. Sleek getting raped by three fat chicks. Davo blowing up a drug shed by smoking in it and running over cyclists in a video game ecstasy fueled drive. Habib and Rocky getting 'dutch ovened' by a prostitute in a closet. Paulie having a blow-up dolls as an airbag, and having sex with a pierced girl and ending up being conjoined at *ahem* sensitive areas.

Really, there is so much good stuff happening at any one time, the movie never gets boring or anything less than entertaining. I'd say more then any other movie, this is a definite 'leave your brain at the door', but no mistake, if you want a stupid movie about wogs, chicks, cars and drugs, this is it.

Things I learnt:

• Gandhi was originally a showboating boxer.
• White people are the opposite of 'Choco', they are "Anglecised".
• People that are attracted to both sexes are 'bothasexuals'.
• If you wake up on your wedding morning with a boner, it's perfectly alright for your mother to slap it back down.
• Midgets can be hard to combat in swarms.