Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Unliving Dead (2007)

The story revolves around a virus of sorts that is turning all the non-swimmers at the school into zombies. Some talkative, some not. Throw in a mysterious new girl and a back-story with her and some mad doctor. (Imdb rating 4.4)

Japan has come out with the the most bat-shit insane movies of the last 20 years. And it's my duty to pick the best sounding ones, and Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Unliving Dead fits the bill.

I'd first like to mention that this movie is two thirds main storyline, one third random sex scenes that show off the sizable.. talents of main character Aka. As since it is Japan, that means a lot of panty shots, shower scenes, lesbian lovers that have known each other a few hours, and of course, female masturbation brought about helplessly by a guy in a red suit playing a flute. I still don't know what that last one means.

You may ask why I referred to the softcore porn scenes before the rest of the movie? Because the rest of the movie honestly feels slightly tacked on, just to get Aka naked. I mean, she shoots some kind of laser out of her vagina!

Here it is!

The rest of the movie is fine, just a overly gory pseudo-zombie movie (that's a good thing). The swim team themselves bar Aka prove themselves useless at fighting, and that only fuels the carnage of later on in the movie. There's some stupid storyline about testing new killer viruses on the school kids and teachers and Aka being a former 'Water Terrorist' (?), but they are lackluster, and are mainly there so Aka can do pushups in a bra. It is short in runtime, which is always a plus in a gore movie.

A few other points need to be addressed. This is clearly a product of both low budget and the MTV Generation, with the soundtrack an awful mix modern hardcore and cheesy video game music, to go with the choppy fast editing. I swear in one shot, they showed someone surprised with a zoomed close up in slow motion four times in a row! Film student in me, I know, but still.

And I can't say I've seen a worse translation job done on any other movie I've ever seen. It's like the guys Nintendo hired to translate games in the 80's are back.

A Winner Is You!

Overall, a goofy diversion that won't win any prizes, but is still watchable. Just mind the constant nudity.

Things I learnt:

• When you see a new girl standing in front of a pool with clothes on, push her in first, ask questions later.
• It'll be a great day when Japanese people master the use of l's in "I rike you".
• Sometimes it's better just to hire a carnival guy who can juggle and breathe fire, and work it into the script somehow.
• Low blows don't work when the recipient has a killer virus.