Mega Piranha (2010)

A mutant strain of giant ferocious piranha escape from the Amazon and eat their way toward Florida. (Imdb rating 2.7)

Syfy original movies are universally terrible. But they always seem to save the worst for their 'mutated versions of animals attack!' movies. Giant sharks, giant octopuses, alien mutant bears, all are just awful.

But strangely, I somewhat enjoyed Mega Piranha, even though it 'stars' 80's one hit wonder Tiffany. Oh, don't get me wrong, required to show any emotion at all, her acting makes me wish she'd go back to singing subtly sleazy songs in malls like she used to. The males lead is just there, with his muscles and two day stubble growth. Barry Williams, the eldest Brady Bunch son, is there as well, and at least he injects some type of personality into his character.

But you don't really want to hear about the rabble they hired to play actors, you want me to explain the piranhas. At the start, we see them eat some natives dumb enough to go swimming in the Amazon, or at least a weak CGI visual representation of it. That's fine. Then we get topless natives along with a fat guy partying on the same river, before noticing a half eaten crocodile corpse floating by. Still fine. Then the piranha's attack... wait, PIRANHA'S DON'T EAT BOATS! Apparently they do, and as they get bigger so do their prey. By the end, they are eating submarines and fucking battleships!

But don't worry! Our leading man has a method of beating them. It's called 'Lie on your back and bicycle kick the shit out of them'.

It's like they are trying to show how abysmal the piranhas look.

The piranhas confused even me, as I assumed they were like Aquaman; useless out of water. But I stood corrected, as they jumped out several times to snatch people, destroy buildings, and conveniently dispose of villains at the right times. They still look like something a cat regurgitates.

The actions moves pretty quickly, which is a positive, and there are several false endings. The actual ending, however, annoyed the shit out of me, because it made absolutely no sense. I thought maybe I'd missed something, except even the Wikipedia synopsis seems to have no idea what exactly happened either, not a good sign.

Mega Piranha is a pile of crap, but at least it's a fast moving one.

Things I learnt:

• You can beat a piranha in a knife fight.
• Or you can use rockets.
• You can make someone's head explode by shooting a flare into their open mouth.
• Topless natives have brown blood.

Rock's Winning Workout Without Weights (1990)

Some tanned out Californian misfits attempt to conduct a workout tape, that strangely enough when considering the title, doesn't contain any weights. (Imdb rating N/A)

Rock's Winning Workout Without Weights is a workout tape sent from the level of hell where all of the schizophrenic serial killers exist. Or San Francisco. Either way, it's twenty minutes of non-stop muscly insanity.

But let us meet our crew!

Rock, the somewhat pudgy leader, with his Andre the Giant tights and ultra-high pants, leads us through the exercises. It's obvious that every part of the nutrients he's ever eaten and exercise he's ever done in the last twenty years has been devoted to growing an illustrious mustache, so he delegates moving to others. He also needs several tries at saying 'triceps'.

Zar, the bearded hippy slab of sinew! From what I can gather, he's been cryogenically frozen from 67' Frisco to specially appear in this video. Rock seems quite fond of him, except for the ten or so times that Rock has to correct him on how to do any basic exercise movement. Regardless, he's described as having "calves as his strength" and being "the great triathlete of the decade". The video ends with him lounging in a kiddies pool of what I can only guess is baby oil, before I assume Rock straddles him after the video fades out.

Dorral Silverthorn continues the run of having a stupid name. He's at least 130, regardless of the helpful text under his name saying he's 83, and he just shakes constantly. He convulses so much that Zar could place a bowl filled with vegetable juice and pot in his arms and he'd get a nutritious weedshake in eight seconds. He interrupts the video to throw his Christianity around, informing us that getting fit with this tape will "heal thy outlook on the Eternal Death". In a closeup, he warns that the Government is a two-faced hypocrite. 'Booze is a loser, and a loser is a boozer'. Strong words, but they are couched in old-man long winded bullshit, so no one cares.

What in the blue hell does 'In death, be happy like a child a few days before Christmas' mean, you old fuck?

Zaddy and Rick (or something) are the two goons that do the exercises that actually involve something even remotely hard. I give them kudos for at least being muscular, but I subtract the kudos plus five for Zaddy, who struggles to do fifty dips, but then blames the completely rusted bars for his near failure. Zar has a vertical jump that nearly enables him to headbutt the ceiling, and he tries several times! Stop whining! Rick(?) is just some punk from Portland, who uses his screen time to vacuum up any remaining non-interest, but he's otherwise a non-entity.

You know the worst thing about Rock's Winning Workout Without Weights is, if you ignore all the bullshit, there's actually a reasonable starter workout tape hidden deep within. If you do this every day, it might work. But God help the person that would willingly watch this every day.

Things I learnt:

• Your face during military presses should be similar to your face during orgasm
• Sometimes it's nice to spice up any workout tape with RANDOM LION SHOT!
• A hippy will always beat a gym junky in a footrace.

Mr Nanny (1993)

A friend persuades the former wrestling star Sean to do a job as bodyguard for the two kids of top manager Frank Mason - someone is threatening him to get the plans for a secret micro chip. But when Sean arrives at his house it turns out that he'll not only have to bodyguard the spoiled brats, but also be their nanny, since they again scared away their former one. From then on he's occupied more protecting himself from the kids than them from the villain. (Imdb rating 3.1)

"Oh no!" you cry, not another terrible vehicle from the world's most famous wrestler, Hulk 'Hollywood' Hogan. And Mr Nanny is probably the most well known of any of his movies, as it has the exact shape of a midday matinee for both television and movie theatres.

Unfortunately, while Mr Nanny was alright, it was no Suburban Commando and certainly no No Holds Barred. I should have sensed something when the first few minutes see Hulk having a nightmare about being beaten up by wrestlers Kamala, Afa, Jim Neidhart, and of course, longtime Hogan leech Brutus Beefcake. And there is *that* scene, the one everyone knows from this movie, Hulk in a tutu! Hilarity!

I guess this is pretty funny?

One thing I will say, is that the other people around Hulk are awesome. Seeing George Jefferson abuse people again is always great, and whoever casted David Johansen deserves more credit. This is a guy who basically invented punk, then re-emerged as a cheesy lounge singer to mainstream success. And now he is the villain in a child's movie, with a metal cap on his head no less?

Unfortunately, Hulk sort of lets us down. I'm a big fan of slapstick humour, but it just wasn't funny seeing all the punishment Hulk got at the start at the hands of the kids. And the kids were weird as well. When Hulk was finally going to give them the punishment their dad should have long ago, they got excited. Too excited. The kids were basically masochists.

There were some nice touches, like Jefferson pulling a three foot long lead pipe out of his pants somehow to give to the kid to beat up bullies with, and Johansen's henchman being a Arnie-sounding clone called 'Wolfgang'. But the movie kind of left me cold. I didn't hate it, I didn't love it... I just kind of nothing'd it. I'd go to the previously mentioned Hulk vehicles before I went with Mr Nanny.

Things I learnt:

• The best way to eat baked beans is "Out of the can, into the man!"
• Hulk Hogan can destroy exercise equipment with ease by simply overworking it.
• No one thinks it is strange when a ten year old calls someone a 'tough mother'.
• 'Badacious' is a word?

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

An evil yet adorable Gingerbread man comes to life with the soul of a convicted killer - this real life cookie monster wreaks havoc on the girl who sent the killer to the electric chair. (Imdb rating 3.3)

Gary Busey is a living, walking collection of crazy. Over the last twenty years, I think he's personally gone out his way to attach his name to every single piece of released lunacy he possibly could. Even on the rare occasion he's not a complete fruitcake on screen (Predator 2?), you can see something lurking below the enormous teeth and messy white hair, a sense of some shoddy wiring and screws loose in that brain of his. Here, he's the titular character, a killer gingerbread man. He's so unglued normally that when we see him at the start of the movie, the fact that he needed no changes from his everyday appearance to look like a serial killer and he says "something in here smells feminine!" doesn't make me bat an eyelid.

And who comes up with the concept of a killer gingerbread man? That's hands down one of the dumbest villain ideas I've ever heard of. After coming to life, the Gingerdead Man (it repulses me to even say that) seems more intent on arguing with rats and delivering half-baked puns (ha!) then killing people. Even when he does decide to attack, he'd much rather booby trap building exits and run you over with your own car.

But the puns, by God, they are awful. The villain spouts them constantly after dispatching victims, but the other characters are worse. One character calls him the "Killsberry Doughboy", then suggests they take him on Letterman because "how much dough can you make from a talking cookie?" He then laughs at his joke, as every single person watching this movie groans in disgust.

That 'joke' did flip my insanity rating closer to the sacred level of 'Gary Busey'.

Even moving away from the killer cookie concept (hard, I know), the rest of the movie is just as terrible. We get random gun violence against banners, plastic revolvers that can shoot twenty bullets before reloading and the world's most tame catfight ever. It was like watching two blind guys grope each other in slow motion. The composer even feels the need to occasionally let us know that a pun was had by putting in a "BM CHK!"-esque musical cue afterwards. What was just said means two things at once, which is funny, I get it.

I've blasted this movie pretty much this whole review, but it was amusing and made me laugh at times. It's also ridiculously short, clocking in at 60 minutes (with 10 minutes of credits!). It's a piece of lightweight fluff, something that is designed to draw you in based on the inane title/Busey combo, make a few doughy puns, and leave. It can't rightly judge it too harshly based on that.

Things I learnt:

• There's a beauty contest called "Ms Pretty Face of Waco".
• Visions of killer gingerbread men are a common occurrence when drunk.
• Bakeries and chain restaurants are in direct competition with each other.
  

Los Campeones Justicieros (1971)

Six luchadores (Blue Demon, Mil Mascaras, El Medico Asesino, La Sombra Vengadora, Tinieblas and Black Shadow) face off against a mad scientist and his army of powerful wrestling midgets. (Imdb rating 5.1)

Hey, hey, slow down buddy, that plot is way too complicated. I have a more easy-to-follow mathematical formula that sums up this movie more succinctly:

"Super strong midgets + constantly rolling masked Mexican wrestlers = Los Campeones Justicieros."

The context of this movie is important to note. Wrestling in Mexico was never bigger then in the early 70s, with Los Campeones Justicieros and tens of other low budget useless wrestling movies released. Their masks are also important, as being de-masked in the ring was literally a career changing event. Hell, most of the time, no one knew who was even under them. It was a big deal.

But really, my formula should be explained further. The midgets are the confusing parts, especially when they look like this:

I guess the 'M' is for... midget?

Some scientist guy makes them 10x stronger with a machine, which leads to hilarious scenes of masked midgets slapping the shit out of Mexico's top six wrestlers. Even better, for absolutely no reason at all, the super power would stop working mid-fight, and the midgets would get destroyed. And it happened *twice*, even after the trial of 'power bracelets'. At least they realise their major weakness, with their leader stating "We are just useless midgets."

Next, a good comparison to make at just how much rolling the luchadores do, is to say they do it as much as Power Rangers do flips. It seems they can't block an incoming punch, do a pose, or eat an orange without rolling at least thirty five times, and ending with a tumble for good measure. The fighting scenes as a whole are bad; between the five wrestlers and the ten or so midgets, they know a combined of two moves, a weak slap and a sloppy armdrag. And who dropkicks in a fight?!

There is some thrown-in plot about stealing the luchadores' hot god-daughters as impetus to find this evil guy, but this movies is about as basic as you can get. I wasn't bored completely, but maybe someone with a better stomach for a cheapie 70s wrestling movie would like it more.

Things I learnt:

• Nothing is more amusing then midgets kidnapping women.
• No, wait, midgets beating up wrestlers easily is!
• Wrestlers know how to fly and land planes with ease.
• Wiring a transport vehicle to blow up will *never* kill anybody of note.
  

Fat Pizza (2003)

Fat Pizza the Film is yet another slice of life at a dodgy suburban Sydney take away. Bobo Gigliotti the psychotic pizzeria owner/pizza chef is awaiting the arrival of his mail-order refugee bride Lin Chow Bang, and a new pizza deliverer is on the block. (Imdb rating 5.5)

Maybe it's me, but extremely lowbrow movies and television shows are always funny. I don't mean unwatchable shows like Two and a Half Men or The Big Bang Theory which pretend to be 'clever'. I'm more talking about Married with Children. You know exactly what will happen, Al will finally get something going his way and it will evaporate due to sheer bad luck, Peg will beg Al for sex and not cook anything, Kelly will say something dumb, and Bud will sleaze onto girls and fail miserably, running back to his blowup doll. It's so completely cliched and lowest common denominator, it's hilarious.

Married with Children is a good American comparison to Fat Pizza, which could be the most Australian movie ever. Fat Pizza is the continuation of a low budget TV show that *everyone* in Australia watched for a few years of the early 00's, it follows Paulie, a delivery boy for a crappy pizza shop, and a man of so called "Choco" power, the power of street smarts and Mediterranean-ness. We follow him, as he beats up disabled people that locked him in a disabled toilet, accidentally siphons sewage, and kills the last of some kind of ferret because he was trying to look up a woman's skirt.

His co-workers are just as bad. Davo Dinkum, played by Channel V presenter Jabba, is the new guy, and a huge drug head. Sleek is quite possibly the world's worst rap (yes, worse then Shaq), but somehow scores a tonne of women. Rocky is the "Lebanese Rambo", and while he has sex with women in his car, his constantly horny cousin Habib tapes it and puts it on the Internet.

But I must mention their boss Bobo, the most frightening boss ever conceived. He rings up and yells at people when they are one minute late, tells employees to shut up and slaps their head when they ask almost any question, kills cockroaches and kneads the remains into the pizza dough, chops up mice with his knife, charges one dollar per square of toilet paper in his shop, and kills a guy for spending more then two minutes in the toilet. Oh, and he fights off complaints about his food or anything else with his chainsaw.

I'm sure we've all had a boss like this.

The amount of random cameos from Australian personalities in Fat Pizza is mind boggling. Eliot Gould, Kamahl, Jeff & Mario Fenech, Jabba, Angry Anderson, Tim Ferguson, Vulcan, Red Symonds, and best of all, Merv Hughes (as Ivan Milat!) all stroll in and out.

Of course, we have the usual amount of dumb shit, like Paulie fighting off 50 Greek Ronald McDonalds, and a gay guy, an old man, and two guys in a koala and sperm suit respectively. Sleek getting raped by three fat chicks. Davo blowing up a drug shed by smoking in it and running over cyclists in a video game ecstasy fueled drive. Habib and Rocky getting 'dutch ovened' by a prostitute in a closet. Paulie having a blow-up dolls as an airbag, and having sex with a pierced girl and ending up being conjoined at *ahem* sensitive areas.

Really, there is so much good stuff happening at any one time, the movie never gets boring or anything less than entertaining. I'd say more then any other movie, this is a definite 'leave your brain at the door', but no mistake, if you want a stupid movie about wogs, chicks, cars and drugs, this is it.

Things I learnt:

• Gandhi was originally a showboating boxer.
• White people are the opposite of 'Choco', they are "Anglecised".
• People that are attracted to both sexes are 'bothasexuals'.
• If you wake up on your wedding morning with a boner, it's perfectly alright for your mother to slap it back down.
• Midgets can be hard to combat in swarms.
  

Street Fighter (1994)

Based on the popular video game, "Street Fighter II", dictator M. Bison holds Allied Nation relief workers for ransom. Colonel William F. Guile leads his troops into battle against him. Chun-Li, Balrog and E. Honda are a news crew seeking revenge on Sagat. and his lackey, Vega. Ryu and Ken are two low-rent shysters who get caught in the middle between sides. Zangief and Dee Jay kiss up to Bison, who holds Dr. Dhalsim hostage to create Blanka, a genetic warrior. Cammy and T. Hawk second Guile. (Imdb rating 3.3)

I'm sure most people are aware of what could possibly be another one of my 'axioms of a truly bad movie', that is, if it's either based completely around a video game, or heavily features any type of gaming, it will be really terrible. It's impossible to even conceive that one day a 'video game motion picture' will be seen at the same level as anything by Lynch or Kubrick.

Still, I'll admit it; Street Fighter is probably the best we are going to get. There is a lot of nonsense involved in the translation from game to movie. Have a gander at the synopsis description above. I personally chose it to show just how much of a clusterfuck Street Fighter is. In an effort to cram every character from the Street Fighter II game, we have ridiculous changes. Chun Li is a reporter/ninja? Balrog a sound technician? E. Honda a fat Hawaiian guy? Jean Claude Van Damme playing All American Army Colonel Guile? Christ, even Dhalsim is now a middle aged, non-arms-and-legs-stretching scientist! (played by Roshan Seth of My Beautiful Launderette of all people, won't find too many more completely dissimilar roles anywhere else).

Don't ask about clogs, I'm full American, look at my flag!

But really, there was no other way to do it. People get angry when you mess with their beloved characters too much, or leave any out, so this was probably the best way to go. And going with the video game feel, when Bison is releasing water mines, he uses an arcade joystick and buttons to maneuver them. Cute. Raul Julian was a great fit to M. Bison as well, in what was sadly his last movie.

Lots of action, lots of fighting towards the end, lots of cheesy one liners, it is what you'd expected from this type of movie, and it's what you get. It doesn't set the world on fire, but I can't see anyone hating this movie too much. A just remember that you should listen to Zangief, so...

It doesn't look like Gorbachev is having too much fun.

Things I learnt:

• Old ladies love caged death fighting.
• "What's that? Son of a .... it's GAS!"
  
• Prison guards always go on loudly about how much they hate being prison guards.
• Capcom used to advertise on barrel lids.
• Sumos don't feel kendo stick strikes.
• "We'll see how smart you are when you aren't breathing!"
• Where was the Tiger Uppercut? The Hadouken?
  

Driller Killer (1979)

An artist slowly goes insane while struggling to pay his bills, work on his paintings, and care for his two female roommates, which leads him taking to the streets of New York after dark and randomly killing derelicts with a power drill (Imdb rating 4.9)

This is the film that basically started the 'Video Nasties' list of mid 80's UK, a list of films apparently so depraved that they were outright banned in the UK. It is also terminally boring in the worst way. I bought this for $2, way too much to pay for the mess that is Driller Killer.

I wouldn't be surprised if every person involved in the making of Driller Killer, from the actors, to the crew, to the editor, were all completely high when they 'crafted' this movie. It's one of those things, where high people think they are making works of art when they are stoned, but in reality it's just a lot of screaming and random noises without merit. How else could I explain why a full third of this movie is hijacked by an awful punk band's 'performances', a lots of aimless guitar chords and nasally scream vocals (and not the good, Ramones kind). The regular scenes aren't any better, a mess of lengthy diatribes and the main character menacing bums with a drill to the face.

I had this expression throughout the entire movie

It tries so hard to be artistic, but it just isn't. It's a shame, because director Abel Ferrera obviously has film making talent, later on directing much bigger budget and more well known movies. I guess the movie nails down the griminess of New York well, it is technically fine in a cinematography sense, and Ferrera himself plays the asshole artist nicely (although it might not have been much of a stretch).

But the positives are irrelevant. The pace of Driller Killer is excruciating. It felt like an eternity watching it. I almost reached the stage of comatose several times, and I don't wish this movie upon anyone. Maybe if you have more of an inclination towards arthouse movies, and have a longer attention span than I, you might be able to glimmer something out of this mess.

Things I learnt:

• Making out in taxis in the 70's was encouraged.
• Abortions in the 70's cost $200
• 'Alimony' is apparently hard to say correctly.
• Handymen with drills are sometimes referred to as 'fixer men'.
  

Secret Agent Club (1996)

To the world Ray Chase is nothing more than a klutzy, overgrown toy seller whose wife passed away a few years ago; and his only son Jeremy doesn't get to see him very often, because he's always away on "business trips." What no one knows-not even Jeremy-is that his dad is a secret agent who flies all around the world, completing highly classified missions for a top-secret peacekeeping agency. One day, Ray returns from a mission, bringing with him a high-powered laser gun he stole from a treacherous female foreign guns dealer. The nasty henchmen get Ray, but Jeremy escapes with the wanted firearm. After he learns how to use the laser gun, Jeremy gathers his friends, and together they hatch a clever plan to rescue Ray (Imdb rating 2.9)

God help me, another Hulk Hogan vehicle. And a children's movie at that, the man was in rare form in the 90s, to be sure.

Still, you can almost judge this type of movie by the actors, and how awesome they are in other movies or shows. Look, it's the asshole public lawyer from Law and Order: SVU, but he's a sleazy magician! Over there, the Asian restaurant waiter guy from that classic Seinfeld episode, but he's a spy! Behold, a cameo by none other than Brian Knobbs of wrestling Nasty Boys fame (and a close friend of Hogans)! Whoah, it's Jack fucking Nance, from Eraserhead/Twin Peaks/Blue Velvet/every single Lynch project! And he's a mad scientist!

Which makes it funny, with all of these other awesome people, that Hulk Hogan is only in this movie for at most thirty minutes. He spends the rest of it comatose being tortured by his son yelling at him. I was confused about his lack of screen time, but I then realised that he was probably too busy fighting Ric Flair and Macho Man Randy Savage. He's also left most of his 'brothers' in WCW, preferring at least in Secret Agent Club to stick with adding 'son' to every single sentence he whispers at his son.

I look ridiculous without a mustache, son!

There is some reasonable action in this, even though at points it reaches 'Commando Syndrome' (millions of bullets fired with no one getting hit), and being a kids movie, there are lots of moments where they outsmart everyone. Speaking of the kids, they couldn't be more cliched if they try. There's Hogan's son, a fat kid that everyone ignores, a girl that wants to be independent, and best of all, two walking cliches in the Asian and black kids. I mean, the Japanese kid speaks Japanese and beats up adults with kung fu, while the black kid's dad seems to be the leader of a gang. Unfortunately though, The Secret Agent Club didn't popularise the concept of the black hacker, as funny a concept as that is.

Like every other movie Hulk Hogan stars in, it's passable without being overly memorable, worth watching if you are bored or want something completely braindead, or maybe if you want to plonk your/someone else's kids in front of something that you might enjoy too.

Things I learnt:

• Looking through red wine can help you spot security lasers
• Turbans = escape ropes
• Having an iron foot slows down villainry significantly
• No Way!............. Waaayy.
• There is a toy called 'Smell My Gak'
• Japanese people yell 'BANZAI!' a lot.
• A solid face push will always combat a child's kung fu.
  

Leonard Part 6 (1987)

The CIA asks for ex-spy Leonard's help in stopping an evil force that is brainwashing small animals into killing people. Leonard, however, has his own problems to deal with: winning back his ex-wife. (Imdb rating 2.1)

Vehicle movies are always interesting. Basing your entire filmatic concept around one person is risky, but when they work, they are great (The Room anyone?), but most of the time they are completely, completely awful.

Leonard Part 6 is one such awful movie. By now, you must realise that when I say some movie is 'awful', it doesn't instantly mean throw it in a shredder and mail the ashes to the director. If I didn't find bad movies entertaining, I'd be a masochist. There are different levels of awful, is what I am trying to say in such a long-winded and verbose manner.

Leonard Part 6 is neither here, nor there. There are amusing moments, to be sure, but I expect more from a Cosby movie. Where are the ugly sweaters? What about the constant goofy facial expressions on Cosby's huge head? I need more from the world's most easily imitable man. Although seeing an obviously white man subbed in for Cosby riding an ostrich off a building is funny.

Can you see the hilarity?

This thing is supposed to be a comedy, I *think* for adults, judging by a few scenes, but it weirdly seems more for kids. There's lots of animals, a sure sign at Leonard being aimed at children. But then there is the sub plot of Cosby's daughter, firstly showing up at Cosby's house with a 66 year old Italio-Afro-American boyfriend, then appearing in a play that Cosby goes to see, unaware of his daughters numerous nude scenes. This generated genuine laughs from me.

And of course, there are the stupid scenes. Frogs assemble under a car, and jump under it in unison, moving it until it's sinking in a lake. Two midge Japanese men clothe Cosby for a date. Mutant lobsters attack him and his wife. A Gypsy he can't understand gives him extremely specific items (a Queen Bee in a box? Ballet shoes?). Even the bad guy henchmen aren't spared, given a literal burning allergy to meat.

To be fair, it does sparkle.

Leonard Part 6 can be described as one of those movies that you could easily watch if it was on television as a midday movie, but it leaks out of your brain the second you stop watching it. I just watched it and can barely remember what happened in it. The worst thing is that it is probably the best Cosby vehicle out there (keep Ghost Dad away from me, please).

Things I learnt:

• Buddhism is a profession, next to actor and sculptor.
• Sarah Palmer from Twin Peaks is in this movie!
• Rich people shower in mineral water.
• Drinking a whole bottle of bourbon in 15 seconds is an acceptable anesthesia before removing a bullet from yourself.
• Ballet will come in handy for dance-defeating enemies.
• One bad guy can tie up 10+ regular people in less then 30 seconds.
• Mutant lobsters are scared of melted butter.
• Angry rainbow trout like reading Playboy.
  

Bimbos B.C. (1990)

In a dystopian world, zombie mutants developed under the earth kill people, and a group of 'bimbos' need to find a cure for zombie bites for their attacked leader. (Imdb rating 1.2)

If you read the synopsis closely, you can almost hear the sound of me not caring, and if you read even closer, a small voice emanates from my inner being, wailing at the idea, the very thought of this movie existing in our universe.

I got this movie in a boxset I foolishly purchased, called Mortuary Madness. 50 movies, on like 10 discs. This is my second attempt at watching a movie in this boxset, the first being the humourously named Vampire Whores from Outer Space, which I couldn't get through 20 minutes of when drunk. So firstly, avoid this boxset at all costs.

Onto Bimbos BC, I don't know where to start. Do I talk about the prominent VHS tape lines that run through half of the movie? The fact that the 'guts' look like discarded red balloons? That the sound randomly fades in and out. That it was edited by some called "The Chopper"?!?

I understand low budget, but both you and I could have made this, and at least we'd have some kind of mastery over the apparently foreign concepts of 'cinematography', 'acting' and 'plot'. You work the story *around* the budget, not the other way around. I truly think this movie cost $17, and most of that went to the villain's copious eye shadow. There are sets made of mattresses, sheets and couches, helmets made of bowls, chase scenes that look like they were set in Jupiter's gravity. Christ, most of the indoor scenes were clearly filmed in a school!

Yes, my lair is a library, what of it?

Look at that guy, he is supposed to be the villain! He looks like he should be in charge of making sure that the Battlestar Galactica website is up to date, rather than the evil commander of a city. If he isn't forgetting his lines several times per sentence, he's screeching at mustached soldiers in jeans to yell at General Morgus. And the good guys are three Amazonian chicks, dressed in rags, ready to fight and... a guy in a shirt.

I could scream profanities at this movie for days, but I'll stop now, and give some encouraging feedback. The music was *average* for a low budget movie, with a song at the start that reminded me of the terrible song at the start of Orgazmo, so I guess that is a plus. The camera person did use a few inventive shots as well, but when you fuck up the camera basics as badly as Bimbo B.C. does, who cares? As even the so called 'positives' I've generously picked out are what myself and everyone else would expect from even the most atrocious movie, I won't hesitate to call this one of the worst movies I've seen. Only a relatively brisk pace (and running time) stops this lowering further into the 'worst movie ever' cesspool.

Things I learnt:

• It takes three people to untie one person's hands.
• Hitting long sticks equals swordplay practice.
• You can tell whether someone is trustworthy by inspecting their sperm samples.
• If the actors ever decide to actually go through with their 'sequel' talk from the end of the movie, I will throw each one of them individually into the sun.
  

Freddy Got Fingered (2001)

Gordon, 28, an aspiring animator, leaves his home in Oregon to sell his ideas to Hollywood. After being told, correctly, that they are quite possibly the most stupid ideas ever and that he needs to spend time rethinking them, he moves back home. But his father, never a kind man, escalates his mean treatment of his rather unconventional son. (Imdb rating 4.0)

I don't know of any movie from a major Hollywood studio that got panned more when it came out then Freddy Got Fingered. And I can see why. It literally makes zero sense. Sure, it has a plot, but it is so fucking dumb, much like everything else about this movie.

And you know what? I actually liked it. It goes straight for shock-laughs in such a way that even the American Pie series would call it a day. There is no subtlety here. Tom Green jumps on a conveyor belt and slaps old ladies in the face with pepporoni yelling "Ding dong! I'm a sexy boy!" He jacks off an elephant, covering his dad in semen. He puts a suit on backwards, shouting "I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, I can run back as fast as you can." He sticks his arms into a pregnant women, delivers the baby, then bites off the umbilical cord. And of course there is a scene of how he gets creative...

Daddy, would like some sausage???

It's actually kind of post-modern as well, when a cartoon production house bigwigs says his drawings aren't bad...but they just don't make sense, they're not funny, and they're stupid, just like this movie. Main character Gordy, while being a piece of shit in every other way, is a romantic, pleading with the girl he is dating not to give him a blowjob until after they go on a romantic date. Oh, and the music is great, anyone who puts the New York Dolls in their soundtrack is alright.

What I've said won't stop 99% of people declaring this movie the worst they have ever seen, and they'd be right. For a mainstream movie, it is truly excruciating. But really, there are a lot worse movies with no redeeming features whatsoever. And I'm still waiting for a real cartoon of...

Hooooooves!

Things I learnt:

• Spinning a newborn not breathing baby like a lasso will revive it.
• People in wheelchairs get off on being kendo sticked in their legs.
• Wind from a helicopter pushes wheelchairs backwards.
• Shaq will appear in anything for money.
  

Savage Planet (2006)

A team of scientists visit an unknown planet in hopes of finding a new, safe, world. Instead they find a mutated species that turns the expedition deadly. (Imdb rating 2.8)

I don't want to ruin it for you, but... the mutated species are bears. Stock footage of bears, mixed with closeups of fur, paws and the like. 'Giant' bears, capable of clawing someone's head clean off. And also, the main guy has to be the lead singer of Sugar Ray.

I guess it is vaguely science fiction, warranting it being a 'Sci-Fi original movie'. Other then weird teleporters, and someone waking up in a bed with sheets of foil, there's barely anything even remotely futuristic about this movie set 50 years in the future. I guess when they were talking about sci-fi, they were talking about the special effects.

I can say, in my knowledge of terrible movies, I have never, ever, seen effects as bad as this. It's like they did their computer effects in Flash, their blood squirting is a pixelated gif downloaded from the Internet in the mid 90s. Instead of developing a way of using cinema technique to hide any potentially bad effects, we get a "Fix it in Post (Production)" array of awfulness, including a horrendous use of the magic tool to literally delete part of a guy's stomach and side. I haven't seen Photoshop abuse this ham-fisted since it made chubby goth girls everywhere try to look like Queens of Darkness.

The rest of this movie is complete garbage, a union of poor acting, wooden dialogue and ridiculous sound effects. Swinging a machete doesn't make a whipping noise, for fuck's sake! To further emphasis the truly bad nature of Savage Planet, the credits at the start whip by so fast that I think it was on purpose. Who would want their name on this mess? Not even worth watching for the few bad scenes.

Have I explained that the aliens are BEARS?!?

Things I learnt:

• Going through a teleporter is like going through a tumble dryer, and makes you cough.
• Mutant bears see in motion delay with weird lighting, just like Predator.
• When we get back to Earth, we'll go out for dinner, and have steak... AND ribs!
• Bears and rocks are very hard to tell apart.
  

Ninja Terminator (1985)

Three martial-arts students search for the Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue reputed to have magic powers. (Imdb rating 4.1)

I don't know who wrote that synopsis, it's completely wrong, but it doesn't matter, because this is a ninja movie. YES, another one, that's three in a row (Power Rangers *are* ninjas, damnit), and I am now ready to don the garb and stealthy kill someone with a sword, or smoke grenade, or something.

If that is one thing you must take from this movie, it is that Jaguar Wong can and will destroy you with his right foot, whilst sporting a cocky smirk. I mean come on, during one fight scene he has so much confidence that he fights with his hands in his pockets. If that isn't pure badassery™, I fail to see what else could be. His shirt also black with red flowers on it. He'll decide to stop fighting, and start headbutting your knees. He is so accomplished at lovemaking, he can can easily remove a female's panties with his foot. I feel angry that he isn't my uncle.

His opposite number and supposed superior Harry (ha, right!) is a mustache in himself. A thick, illustrious mustache of eye shadow, smoke bombs and teleporting at will. He's being pursued by his former master for his piece of some magical statue, and will stop at nothing to beat anything that shows him malice, whether it be a horde of ninjas, an accomplish in the statue stealing, or an emptied pot full of 'steamed crabs' scuttling towards his real life wife, the world's worst actor. And he has a Garfield phone. A GARFIELD PHONE!

I am the Alpha Male!

I can't really say too much more about Ninja Terminator, the fight scenes are really smooth and long, there are lots of weasely Asians getting beaten up, and.... is that Jaguar Wong kick-ricocheting a baseball off one guy's face into another guy's head? I'm leaving.

Click on it, please!

Things I learnt:

• Important Asian henchmen wear gold blond Ramones-style wigs
• Jaguar Wong is afraid of nothing!
• Ripping someone's coat is worth taking one of your rings (which turns out to be worthless, from a CrackerJack box)
• When sunglasses are taken off, a fight will break out shortly.
• Closeups are the standard fare for showing emotion, and should be used as much as possible.
• Ninjas deliver messages by tiny walking toy robots who can blow smoke.
  

Mighty Morphing Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

After the Power Rangers have lost their supernatural power when trying to save their leader, they need help and receive it from a beautiful female fighter getting taught the art of Ninjetti. Thus they are able to fulfill their mission. (Imdb rating 4.0)

Childhood nostalgia is a powerful thing. I mean, why else would people constantly rave about cartoons they liked as a kid, no matter how completely crap they were at the time?

Not that I'm really say this about MMPR:tM (great acronym!). However, I think this movie is purely in the nostalgia category; if you can remember the original Power Rangers and all of the side characters, I'm sure this movie would be awesome. Unfortunately for me, although I did go "Ha! That guy!" a few times, MMPR:tM did nothing much for me.

Of course, this movie is just as useless as everything else I review. The Ranger's human forms are X-treme, what, with their X-treme syncronised skydiving opening followed by an X-treme rolling skating session. They also go by the motto 'Why walk when you can flip?', which leaves me surprised that their Power Helmets aren't filled with vomit after a fight scene. I've seen less wasted moment at a convulsion festival.

There are also 'Sacred Animals' (to which the Black Ranger exclaims when asked what is wrong, 'I am a frog'), a random killer pipe the villain wields that we only see used once for the purpose of a worthless pun, and a pig that wears a monocle and sounds *exactly* like Curley from the Three Stooges. Plus, we have the world's worst battle music, "ACTION BOY NOW! ACTION GIRL NOW! BE PREPARED, TO SURF ACROSS THE OCEAN NOW!" They were in the middle of a city.

Really, if you remembered and liked the original Power Rangers, you'll like this movie. If you don't, there are plenty of more entertaining things to watch. And if you dislike purple slimey monstrous beings, make sure you avoid Ivan Ooze, because his statutory rapist nose will tell him...

It smells like teenagers!

Things I learnt:

• 'Dingledorks' is an effective insult.
• Dressing in a weird costume at a carnival giving away ooze is the best way of taking over the world.
• You guys aren't Syndal Warriors, you are Syndal Turkeys!
• Clenching your fist often equals acting.
• Most intergalactic assembled mechbots have an emergency button which can be used to deliver a nutshot to a giant purple cyborg.
  

American Ninja II: The Confrontation (1987)

On a remote Caribbean island, Army Ranger Joe Armstrong saves an old friend from the clutches of "The Lion", an evil super-criminal who has kidnapped a local scientist and mass-produced an army of mutant Ninja warriors. (Imdb rating 3.9)

Ninja movies are usually the lowest of the low. I think there are more low budget ninja movies then there are movies from other genres combined. And they all pretty much blend into each other.

I mean, I can't even remember most of American Ninja I, except there was an intense guy that kicked ninja ass, and a black guy that looked like a hybrid of Carl Weathers and Lionel Richie, and they started as enemies, but became friends. That's it.

Well, they are both the main guys in American Ninja II, and are still BFFs. That's all you need to know, maybe adding the large amount of ninjas, and the fact that it's on an island filled with useless Marines. And there is lots of stupid quotes, just really dumb ones.

"What is this, some kind of shakedown?"
"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" (referring to perving, even worse when you find out later his wife's been kidnapped for blackmail)
"When the girls hit the beach, everything comes off, topless, bottomless, everything!"
"This is really starting to get on my tits!"
"Don't get drunk and puke all over the pavement!"

This films also holds the current SSA record for the most number of different handheld ninja weapons shown in on film. There is about ten different length swords, brass knuckles, brass knuckles *with* spikes, wooden nightsticks, wooden poles, wooden spears, wooden bats, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden, wooden...

Steven James will snap your arm regardless

I'm getting kind of sick of saying this, but it was entertainingly terrible. Dudikoff and James have good onscreen chemistry, the fight scenes are reasonable, the comedy was amusing, so I have no problem with this movie.

Things I learnt:

• Black ninjas are completely useless on a beach of white sand and rocks.
• Mick Hucknell and Robert Plane had a lovechild, who became a henchling.
• When you send a ninja flying into a group of ninjas, a bowling strike noise will ensue.
• Steve James can't do a fight scene without either being shirtless or practically shirtless.
  

No Holds Barred (1989)

Rip is the World Wrestling Federation champion who is faithful to his fans and the network he wrestles for. Brell, the new head of the World Television Network, wants Rip to wrestle for his network. Rip refuses and goes back to his normal life. Still looking for a way to raise ratings, Brell initiates a show called "The Battle of the Tough Guys", a violent brawling competition. A mysterious man, Zeus, wins the competition. This gets Brell to use him as an angle to get at Rip. (Imdb rating 3.6)

If you are a wrestling fan, you will understand that nothing, and I mean nothing, is funnier then when wrestling goes bad, whether it be in the story lines, promos or the wrestling itself.

No Holds Barred is less of a wrestling movie, and more of a Rocky rip-off. But it still is twice as funny to wrestling fans. Watching Hulk Hogan destroy the inside of limo is one of life's little pleasures. Jesse Ventura and Gene Okerlund are the first two voices you hear, which made me squeal, and I correctly picked Hulk.. I mean Rip's first opponent to be Bill Eadie aka Ax from Demolition, revealing myself to be a sad, sad late 80's wrestling nerd.

But like I said, this movie is not about wrestling most of the time. More about punching. Big guys punching each other. And there are so many laughable things that happen in this movie, I'll have to forgo my usual review, and just list them:

• Brell insists on constantly calling Rip a 'jockass', and he usually gets crushed after doing so.
• When Hulk and his love interest have to share a hotel room, she dresses in what could possibly be the most frilly lingerie ever.
• Zeus was said to have 'killed some kid in the brain' (possibly in Riki-Oh style).
• Rip's brother Randy spends the entire movie looking like he is in a coma. I swear his heart rate never goes above 60.
  
• Rip's preparation for his big fight is... giving his brother a bath?
• Rip scares some guy so shitless that he craps himself, and when asked by Rip what the smell is, he replies "Dookie!"
• Zeus' shoulder pads when he walks out to fight Rip are ridiculous.

Zeus crushes the weak!

The only thing lacking in No Holds Barred is the fact that Rip never says the word 'brother', and if you know anything about Hulk Hogan, you know he can't go to the grocery store, talk about the Ultimate Warrior, or walk five feet without throwing in a 'brother' or two. But if you can't enjoy chain-mailed black men beating down on toothless rednecks while mini-blackboard-wielding midgets are suspended in cages above the ring, I can't help you.

It's the Harley, ME, and YOU in the tree, brother!

Things I learnt:

• Having a small penis means you aren't worth beating up.
• Speaking two words of garbled French is all you need to impress a lady.
• Zeus has a 'Z' belt and a 'Z' on the side of his head to stop him getting lost, and for identification (Ha! Thanks Jesse Ventura!)
• UFC stole their eight sided ring from this movie.
• When a diner you are in is being robbed, throw plates and pies at them to a country song to stop them.
• If you're guys in suits and not cops, people will think you're gay.
• Don't ask Zeus to guess something, because... ZEUS DOESN'T GUESS!
  

Deadly Prey (1987)

A group of sadistic mercenaries kidnap people off the streets and set them loose on the grounds of their secret camp, so the "students" at the camp can learn how to track down and kill their prey. (Imdb rating 5.5)

It's about time I got around to an 80's action movie. I don't think any genre sums up both 'awesome' and 'terrible' as much as an 80's action movie can. You know there will be lots of killing, guns, rapes, explosions, hair, one liners and cocky villains. And of course, this is the case with Deadly Prey.

Basically, Mike Danton is the king of everything. King of being insanely chiseled, king of tiny denim shorts, king of creating tripwire C4 traps, king of taking multiple close-range grenade blasts, king of hiding under leaves, before popping out out and...

Someone is gunna get stabbed!

Although he is also the king of spear throwing and knifing as well, he, along with everyone else in this movie, completely fails at using guns. Considering the intro credit montage was guns reloading, this was disappointing, being able to hit someone is apparently far too great a task for anyone until near the end. Hell, the main henchman even holds his rifle like he is trying to masturbate a giant cock.

But still, Danton compensates by using whatever he can to kill people, whether he javelins someone from 100 feet, throwing two knifes with one flick to kill two men, or ramming them against a tree to break their back. Or maybe he might put a live grenade down some guy's pants.

The plot is simple, acting bad, blah blah blah, it's a crappy action movie. Not the most hilariously bad movie I have seen, but still entertaining.

And never kidnap a beefy guy to use as target practice, because this will happen...

Danton *will* scalp you.

Things I learnt:

• A few hours is all you will last in a forest before you starting cooking and eating rats and worms.
• You will *not* be seen up in a leafless tree by ten army guys walking past you.
• A grenade down the pants will leave only one unharmed smoking boot.
• Hiding bright blue explosive consists mainly of brushing a few leaves and clumps of dirt in front of it, before it all slides back to it's original position.
  

Troll 2 (1990)

A young child is terrified to discover that a planned family trip is to be haunted by vile plant-eating monsters out of his worst nightmare. His attempt to save his beloved family is assisted by the spectre of his deceased grandfather (Imdb rating 2.1).

This film is legendary in the area of awful movies. And there is a multitude of reasons for this.

Firstly, there is no trolls, only goblins. Secondly, Troll 2 has nothing to do with the first Troll. There are many, many more things atrociously wrong with this film, a novel could be written about it. One of those 100 page novels with big font, and pretty pictures, but still.

The sheer amount of stupidity, the bad acting, the strange special effects (especially the 'trolls'), it all beggars belief. Due to the entire production crew speaking Italian, there were a lot of lines that don't make sense. I mean, does having friends really mean that you will be a virgin forever? And Granddad Seth, although a 'hero', is one seedy looking fucker.

Make sure you piss all over the food, Joshua!

Once again, I'm making this movie sound dull. It is not, by any standards. How can I dislike a movie that involves hilarious looking goblins, spoilt milk that turns people into human/plant hybrids, and corn porn?

This is right at the top of entertaining bad movies, if you go into it ready to laugh. If you are looking for a good movie, don't watch this, but surely you must realise what this blog is about by now. Go watch 2001 or something.

Things I learnt:

• Grandfathers like to speak about themselves in third person.
• If you are kicked in the nuts too much, you turn into a homo.
• Ghosts sometimes have trouble with the layouts of houses.
• Other times they have Molotov cocktails.
  
• Chainsaws tickle man-plants.
• Finally, you can't piss on hospitality, I won't allow it!
  

Kazaam (1996)

Being a lone young boy in the 'hood" is dangerous and unpleasant. This is what Max experiences when he fools a gang of local toughs who cornered him at school. The gang finds out that the key he gave them is of no value in committing a robbery, and they chase him through the streets of his neighborhood, bent on revenge. He tries to escape by slipping into the open door of an old warehouse, but they follow him there, too. While running from them through aisles filled with all kinds of stuff, he bumps into an old boom box. By doing that, he manages to release Kazaam, a genie who has been held captive for thousands of years. In order to stay free, Kazaam must give Max three wishes. (Imdb rating 2.5).

My god, that was a long winded synopsis.

The exclamation "Fun!" on the cover is a worrying start. But, alas, the idea of Shaq as a genie was too tempting an offer to pass up.

And I'm glad I didn't. While it was very obvious that this is a children's movie, I was amused and entertained by Kazaam, and it wasn't just the booze. Shaq's goofy grin and other cliched-but-still-passable characters and situations were good enough, until the horror arrived.

Shaq rapping.

Anyone who told him he was good at rapping, or encouraged him in any way should throw themselves into the sun. As a fan of real rap, Shaq was terrible. I find most of his songs in real life crap but hilarious, but this was just bad.

Disregarding that, I'll give the usual spiel of it not being that terrible, but rated harshly because it's bad for a mainstream movie, ala "Stop of My Mum Will Shoot" syndrome. It's a goofy kids movie, nothing more or less.

Just remember when he asks you how his shirt looks...

Tell him it looks fucking ridiculous!

Things I learnt:

• Bullying means hold someone down and spray-painting around their body
• Men are like buses - there is always another one.
• Wait... is that... Babu from Seinfeld?! As the main bad guy?!
• If, as a child, I ever woke up with Shaq spooning me in his PJs before showering in front of me, I'd be scarred for life.
• Not eating makes you shorter.