Street Fighter (1994)

Based on the popular video game, "Street Fighter II", dictator M. Bison holds Allied Nation relief workers for ransom. Colonel William F. Guile leads his troops into battle against him. Chun-Li, Balrog and E. Honda are a news crew seeking revenge on Sagat. and his lackey, Vega. Ryu and Ken are two low-rent shysters who get caught in the middle between sides. Zangief and Dee Jay kiss up to Bison, who holds Dr. Dhalsim hostage to create Blanka, a genetic warrior. Cammy and T. Hawk second Guile. (Imdb rating 3.3)

I'm sure most people are aware of what could possibly be another one of my 'axioms of a truly bad movie', that is, if it's either based completely around a video game, or heavily features any type of gaming, it will be really terrible. It's impossible to even conceive that one day a 'video game motion picture' will be seen at the same level as anything by Lynch or Kubrick.

Still, I'll admit it; Street Fighter is probably the best we are going to get. There is a lot of nonsense involved in the translation from game to movie. Have a gander at the synopsis description above. I personally chose it to show just how much of a clusterfuck Street Fighter is. In an effort to cram every character from the Street Fighter II game, we have ridiculous changes. Chun Li is a reporter/ninja? Balrog a sound technician? E. Honda a fat Hawaiian guy? Jean Claude Van Damme playing All American Army Colonel Guile? Christ, even Dhalsim is now a middle aged, non-arms-and-legs-stretching scientist! (played by Roshan Seth of My Beautiful Launderette of all people, won't find too many more completely dissimilar roles anywhere else).

Don't ask about clogs, I'm full American, look at my flag!

But really, there was no other way to do it. People get angry when you mess with their beloved characters too much, or leave any out, so this was probably the best way to go. And going with the video game feel, when Bison is releasing water mines, he uses an arcade joystick and buttons to maneuver them. Cute. Raul Julian was a great fit to M. Bison as well, in what was sadly his last movie.

Lots of action, lots of fighting towards the end, lots of cheesy one liners, it is what you'd expected from this type of movie, and it's what you get. It doesn't set the world on fire, but I can't see anyone hating this movie too much. A just remember that you should listen to Zangief, so...

It doesn't look like Gorbachev is having too much fun.

Things I learnt:

• Old ladies love caged death fighting.
• "What's that? Son of a .... it's GAS!"
  
• Prison guards always go on loudly about how much they hate being prison guards.
• Capcom used to advertise on barrel lids.
• Sumos don't feel kendo stick strikes.
• "We'll see how smart you are when you aren't breathing!"
• Where was the Tiger Uppercut? The Hadouken?
  

The Miracle Fighters (1982)

Former Royal Guardsman Kao was forced to be on the run when his superior couldn't tolerate him being a Manchu marrying a Han woman. A young prince was inadvertently killed when he kidnapped the boy to aid in his escape. 14 years later, Kao now a drunkard ridden with guilt, has been living with a young orphan by the name of Shu Geng. Before long, the old nemesis of Kao, the powerful Socerer Bat, found his whereabouts and killed him. Harboring evil ambitions, Sorcerer Bat forces Shu Geng to impersonate the belated prince, with the intention that one day he can ruled alongside the would-be king. (Imdb rating 7.2)

I'm as shocked as you are, an actual reasonable movie on this blog. But my thoughts on The Miracle Fighters are confused.

On one hand, it's a typical Yuen Clan martial arts movie. For those of you not in the know, Yuen Clan films are completely ridiculous. People flying around, fighting in what almost seems to be perpetual fast motion. There's also a lot of completely random insanity, music controlled frogs, rat-faced drunkards, men driving around little shoes, that type of thing. They also include a lot of toilet humour and slapstick. Anything that can happen usually will. In essence, their movies are extremely entertaining, and several are in my favourite martial arts movies.

And this certainly continues in The Miracle Fighters. There's a weird character that lives in a huge vase, his/her arms, legs and head popping out at certain times to fight other characters by rolling or other innovative maneuvers. There are pictures that drink wine and shoot out a torrent of water. Flying cooked chickens attack people. People pump themselves up (literally). People use a huge novelty sized axe to chop off their legs to fight better. And I have to mention, the fight scenes can't be described as anything other then crazy, in the best way possible.

Vase-Man will cut you with his paper sword

Unfortunately, this is part of the biggest flaw of The Miracle Fighters; there just isn't enough fighting spread throughout the entire movie. Before the end fight, there is maybe at most five minutes of actual fighting. The comedic hi-jinks stuff is funny, but after a while, you just want to see the awesome fights, not see two old people argue over whether the other person stepped on their side. The other Yuen Clan movies are more well paced then this, and it's a mark against it.

I'd almost throw it off as an average martial arts movie, if it weren't for the last 20 minutes. They almost saved the movie, in a way. Starting with the new challenge of reaching the end of the trials, versing many others, the main character has to get a key out of boiled oil, walk on a paper bridge over thousands of venomous snakes and fight a ten foot tall stickman made from pieces of wood, all whilst battling his main nemesis. Incredible is the only word for these scenes.

But really, in the end, while The Miracle Fighters is definitely worth a view, it pales in comparison to Shaolin Drunkard and other Yuen Clan movies. It's a bit too slow, and while it's epic last few minutes redeem it somewhat, there's wire fighters better out there.

Things I learnt:

• Everything that comes out of your body will be subtitled as 'shit'.
• You can massage the boobs on the head of a man to get sparks shot out of his mouth.
• Using a talking fish is a terrible way to retrieve a key from hot oil.