Deadly Prey (1987)

A group of sadistic mercenaries kidnap people off the streets and set them loose on the grounds of their secret camp, so the "students" at the camp can learn how to track down and kill their prey. (Imdb rating 5.5)

It's about time I got around to an 80's action movie. I don't think any genre sums up both 'awesome' and 'terrible' as much as an 80's action movie can. You know there will be lots of killing, guns, rapes, explosions, hair, one liners and cocky villains. And of course, this is the case with Deadly Prey.

Basically, Mike Danton is the king of everything. King of being insanely chiseled, king of tiny denim shorts, king of creating tripwire C4 traps, king of taking multiple close-range grenade blasts, king of hiding under leaves, before popping out out and...

Someone is gunna get stabbed!

Although he is also the king of spear throwing and knifing as well, he, along with everyone else in this movie, completely fails at using guns. Considering the intro credit montage was guns reloading, this was disappointing, being able to hit someone is apparently far too great a task for anyone until near the end. Hell, the main henchman even holds his rifle like he is trying to masturbate a giant cock.

But still, Danton compensates by using whatever he can to kill people, whether he javelins someone from 100 feet, throwing two knifes with one flick to kill two men, or ramming them against a tree to break their back. Or maybe he might put a live grenade down some guy's pants.

The plot is simple, acting bad, blah blah blah, it's a crappy action movie. Not the most hilariously bad movie I have seen, but still entertaining.

And never kidnap a beefy guy to use as target practice, because this will happen...

Danton *will* scalp you.

Things I learnt:

• A few hours is all you will last in a forest before you starting cooking and eating rats and worms.
• You will *not* be seen up in a leafless tree by ten army guys walking past you.
• A grenade down the pants will leave only one unharmed smoking boot.
• Hiding bright blue explosive consists mainly of brushing a few leaves and clumps of dirt in front of it, before it all slides back to it's original position.
  

Suburban Commando (1991)

Shep Ramsey is an interstellar hero. His ship is damaged after a fight with an interstellar nasty and he must hide out on Earth until it can recharge. (Imdb rating 3.8)

Sounds pretty simple, right? It is. It's a Hulk Hogan vehicle, and from what I understand, one of the better ones. It's like saying you were the one killed last by Arnie (or in other words, David Patrick Kelly), but it is still something. It wasn't particularly good, but it wasn't shit either. Middle of the road, by any nature.

I did genuinely laugh out loud a few times, like when Hogan heard the mailman sliding letters through the door and he instantly pulls out a knife and goes into attack mode, or when he punches a mime in the face to break him out of the 'K7 force-field' that had him ensnared. So it had me entertained, which is all I can ask of a terrible movie.

I'm here to rent your apartment brother!

Things I learnt (this movie was a learned experience):

• Shelley Duvall's career went right downhill after the Shining.
• Veterans hang on their lawn in broken jeeps and drink their urine from a cup all day.
• It takes one day to convert a tool shed into a bedroom
• The Undertaker is a bad guy... in a movie! He can also spit nails like bullets and has the voice of a 5 year old girl.
• Alien ship technology looks like two guys playing top down Frogger.
• Old people like to drag race from red traffic lights, at the same time, every day.
• Bikers won't beat you up if you scratch their cars; they'll SUE.
• You can get Hulk Hogan to stay still for a group picture by making him eat an entire cake.